I've been lurking this thread for some time now.
I'm a married woman with kids since almost 10 years now,
and I've only recently started considering the fact that I might be poly and only bound to mono (which I've always thought I've been through and through) by fear and inadequacy feelings that wouldn't allow me to explore other options.
When I look back, apart from being obsessed with love objects that I can't really have all the way (on and off relationships etc), I've never been able to have just one love interest at a time. However, it was never a big deal since I was young and not really committed long term, although monogamous.
I first experienced extreme doubts about my relationship when I became pregnant with my then boyfriend after only a very short time into the relationship. It was highlighted by the fact that I became extremely attracted to someone very close to him,and who is inevitably part of our lives.
This has seemed like the only attraction, and it's been extremely painful as I cannot let it go and it has grown very strong.
Not until I met another man who I had the same instant chemistry with, did I understand that it was not about this other guy...it was about the fact that I am simply not completely satisfied by my husband.
Now,my husband is a very handsome guy and many women would find me incredibly greedy for not being happy - he's also very faithful and hasn't had any women before me.
I have just come to realize I am a person who is naturally flirty, loving, sexual, adventurous and attracted to many people as many people are also attracted to me - which makes it even harder.
I have no desire at all to leave my husband, but I just feel like I am about to explode inside and I have felt this way for so many years....it's like I am about to cry but the tears won't come and my chest hurts immensely. The times where I've imagined us free from boundaries, and myself free from obsession with him being just mine - I feel such endless love and relief that it's hard to explain. Yet, I don't know where to begin....I think there is a possibility he would agree down the line as we've touched on the subject before - but we fall back into possessiveness and fear very quickly - not to mention the exclusive closeness of it just being "us".
Thanks for listening guys,any advice appreciated....