Thanks for the kind response. It actually has made me feel a lot better to vent this stuff, and better yet to have someone see this from my point of view.
I think my partner is totally under the spell of NRE ... one of the things I've been wondering about is if/when he'll snap out of it. This story makes him sound pretty bad, I think - but he's really a very good and kind and generous person, in my long experience.
In fact, I think M has shamelessly taken advantage of his best points, and used them to her advantage.
Anyway, your advice is good, and I am working on the basics right now: breathing, eating, exercising ...
Thanks again for your compassion!