One observation that struck me is that it's good when "your world can depend upon *you*," and doesn't have to depend upon M -- neither depending on her for being "together with her," nor for being "separated from her." Neither scenario should be a necessity for your well-being. Your well-being should depend upon you, and when you feel good about you, then the right kind of relationship with M will probably "fall into place."
Some of your most positive moments seem to come from a place where "you have faith in you;" you believe in yourself, and believe you can accomplish great things. It's when you start "doubting yourself" -- e.g., fearing that you won't be able to "handle things," that you'll "hurt someone," those are the times when you hit your emotional lows. Now which is the cause and which is the effect, I'm not as sure. Do your emotional lows cause you to lose faith in yourself? or do your self-doubts cause the emotional lows? Maybe it works both ways a little.
Here's to hoping that your relationship with *yourself* will be a good and positive one in the majority of the near future.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"