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Old 06-22-2012, 10:50 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Look, you are "what iffing" this to pieces just because he announced that yeah, he is poly. This may be hard to hear, but here's how it seems to me, a stranger. I mean it kindly, ok?

So WHAT? He's announced he's poly. That is all. And?

If he's a decent person, he's not just going to RUN OFF with some other poly like a thief in the night. Why would you date a guy that would be so low to do that to you? You wouldn't. Of course not. So he is a decent person. And a decent poly person would come to you first and go "I feel like I would like to we renegotiate our boundaries to open up the relationship. What are your feelings on this? "

And you would be given the chance to state your wants, needs, and feelings about all this and take it one thing at a time. If you are open to that or not open to that when the time comes IF IT EVER COMES AT ALL.

Anyway, that's all service to one possible FUTURE that isn't even here. It hasn't happened. He's only shared the announcement he's polywired. Not that he is poly and wants to open up and start dating. Get a grip.

But why is just thinking about it getting you all ants in the pants? What do you fear?

You stay home anyway right, when he's out with the guys doing pal things right? Maybe they get a coffee. And if you do not do that already, why don't you? Doesn't he stay home when you go out with the gals for coffee? And if you don't do that why don't you?

He cannot be your whole universe.

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All I know is I would endure, because I need my partner. I love him. I just want him to be happy.
Has he said he's not happy in a closed relationship with you? Where's the prob? You are projecting.

What about what YOUR needs and wants to be happy? If shooshing all your own wants and needs aside "to make him happy" is causing you all this distress, what is that telling you? You aren't really happy, are you? You are distressed.

You have some needs/wants going unmet and unvocalized. Cuz you worry more about being alone than being happy and put your happiness aside. Why do that?

Why don't you feel safe and secure being alone? Why don't you feel safe and secure in this relationship? What has he done to make you not trust him?

And this business setting aside all your wants and needs so that his comes first might sound all noble but it is actually awful. Why burden him like that? So he's suddenly having to shoosh all his needs aside to tend you yours then out of some tit-for-tat obligation? You SHARE happiness with him. You CREATE happiness for you. You do not outsource all your happiness needs on to him and expect him to fill your happy meter up.

Making him your whole universe is suffocating him. Is that how you treat loved ones?

Is he happy being the perpetual propper-upper? Or is he burning out under the burden? Get him out from under there by standing on your OWN. Close beside, sure but on your OWN feet. Learn to meet your OWN needs.

Get stable and secure on your end of the deal. Be two partners like a letter "H" -- everyone standing on their own two feet and hold hands in partnership. A real team. Communicating back and forth. Solid.

Do not be like the letter "A" where you leeeeeaaaannn all your stuff on him and hold hands and expect him to be your perpetual propper-upper. That's a burden. If you love him so, why would you burden him so forever? Having to constantly reassure and prop up and stuff.

It's not what he needs to do so you feel secure if he's already doing all he can. Are YOU doing what you need to do to get secure?

If you are not, and you overlean on to him? You get afraid to lose your propper-upper, and afraid you go splat. No wonder you worry so much about him "running off" then. Stop leaning and stand on your own feet. Then you don't fear falling!

Work on yourself to be more like an "H" -- whether he stays or goes isn't the point here. (He's not going anywhere. He loves you.) But even you recognize you are overburdening and over-leaning.

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Mine being much worse then his, and I put him through a lot. I really do. Between my compulsions and insecurities - how he deals with it is beyond me.
In time of great stress, ok, fine. Partner tries to support you. But eventually you gotta heal right? Be a healthy partner? Learn to DEAL with the compulsions and insecurities.

Be you growing more secure in your own skin, more sturdy on your own two feet. Do what you need to do to be that stable secure partner for him, since you love him so. You will both enjoy each other more when you are in better balance -- in yourself and in the partnership.

What you focus on you get more of.

STOP focusing on all this fear talk. Cuz none of that is actually happening right now, is it? He's here.

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Before I met him, I thought I would be alone forever. I think that if I am without him, I will be alone forever. The chances of finding someone with that connection and chemistry who also has OCD is just nigh impossible. Not only that, I don't want anyone else. I cannot imagine a world where I do not fall asleep at his side and wake next to him. I cannot imagine a world without his parents, his family. I cannot, I don't want to. I love him so much.

Focus on this:

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He loves me just as much as I love him, this is evident in his patience and support.
He loves you. He is patient. He is supportive of you and your healing your OCD. He's not going to rock your boat unfairly. This is REALITY. Return the favor. Provide patience and support. And get ON with the healing of YOU! And support him in healing his health things.

That other stuff you are doing? That's what-iffing stuff out of the air. That is NOT your reality right now. That's making stress for both. That you could STOP.

Stop the what-iffing yourself into upset. If this is a solid rship, it's a solid rship. Whatever Life might throw your way you will face it together like solid partnership. Not rickety lean-to letter A's.

Stop feeding your bad dog. Feed the good one.

That would be a good place to start. Stop talking inside your head to yourself like that feeding the nasty dog. Feed the other one.

Now if you are honestly confused ask for clarification. (But do not zoom off into whatiffing doom and gloom. Pause that, and just get it straight from him. )

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I had to ask him, what would you do - What would you do if you did fall for someone else. You would have to choose, to be with me or to be with them, and he said he wouldn't choose.
Ask him to clear that up. But me reading that?

It would mean he'd not choose because in his main rship with YOU. The rship is CLOSED and not open. So there isn't any choosing to do. Because he would not cheat.

He's with you. There. End of story.

The love would fade for that other person because there's nothing going on. Just because you feel a feeling? Doesn't mean you have to ACT on it, you know.

hugs,
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-23-2012 at 02:32 AM.
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