So. I was obsessed as I feared M would dump me. Then, if that happened I would be alone, afraid, and my life would return to a place of darkness and despairing. I feared I would lash out and hurt M, her lover, or myself. I feared I would destroy my life, and so my obsession was very strong, I was bound by fear, living on fear, commanded by fear. I hid these beneath a layer of obsessive thought about M, if I could only 'fix' us, then everything would be ok. I was wrong, it was me that needed fixing.
TEA proved to be an amazing tool. Thought processes drove my fears and TEA helped me bring many of these thoughts to light as unfounded, paranoid, or simply not as all embracing and devestating as I thought. TEA is an incredible tool for working on repetitive and disturbing thought patterns.
I dug deeper when I discovered that TEA could rid me of obsessions, but only temporarily. TEA still really helps me when I practise it, but the underlying cause of my problem remained - and it was not M. I discovered my body was trying to warn me not to repeat the mistakes of the past. Having my happiness entirely dependant on one person, being lazy and too comfortable and slowly but surely becoming a co-dependant in my relationship instead of a supportive partner. My fears were justified, I was blindly repeating old patterns. When you've had a hard life and you find an oasis it is difficult not to want to be there in the warm sun forever. I equated all my happiness to M, but what brought that about was my own efforts, my going to uni, my generosity, my charm, my lovemaking skills, my company. She fell in love with me, then I slowly reverted to a scared child as the oasis proved less than perfect.
I began to axamine myself. It was very difficult not to put M in every thought and action, to do everything for her, our benefit. But it is about me. I need to rebuild my life so I have love and respect for myself.
So, i did get dumped. TEA still helps when the thoughts return to obsession. But a lot of the emotional stull I'm feeling now is actually genuine. loss, rejection, abandonment. For these emotions I am using EFT. I go to you tube and find brad yates eft on subjects like rejection, relationship breakups and more, i do the tapping. I often start in tears, distraught, emotions strong from 8 - 10. One or two tapping sessions later (10 - 20 minutes) these are reduced to 4, or even less.
Now I am on a spiritual journey while attempting to adress the facets of my life that need attention. Self care, self love, self worth. Income, transport, social life, hobbies, and spirit.
A lot of days I wake up scared and messy, but i do my EFT, I go for walks, i do exercise. This might be fairly minimal but it is regular and it is helping. I am forgiving of myself that i drank too much this past week but am also aware that i do not want comedy to turn into an alcohol fueled.dependant pastime. i have performed sober before, I have many amazing peers who perform sober, so i am looking at this drinking and weed smoking as symptomatic of my life circumstances, nothing more, and nothing to be alarmed about, just aware. i can plan things better, take a friend for support, go to gigs with love and an attitude of bringing laughter to others instead of attention to myself.
I have learned that to remove the negative influences in my life i simply have to start scheduling things into my life that are good for me. As I begin to do more and more things that fulfil me those things that hold me back will fall by the wayside.
I have also learned that all things are possible, and we can use our thoughts to shape our lives. I have learned to begin with the end in mind.
I am well.
I am calm and peaceful.
I am loving.
I am capable.
I am studious.
I am living in abundance.
I am in beautiful and joyous relationships.
I am hard working and capable.
I am an excellent comedy promoter.
I am an inspiring speaker.
I am mobile.
I am happy and joyful and content and carefree.
I am a plant pathologist.
I am reducing environmental poisons by the tonne.