First, I want to say that your "Weather Channel" metaphor is fantastic. things are rarely dramatic around here (we're pretty chill people, especially her), but this is a good framework for creating healthy habits.
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
So is it about poly, and wanting to have other romances concurrent at some point?
Or is it about craving greater emotional intimacy/trust in THIS relationship? So you can freely share all your thoughts from the light side or dark side of your psyche with her and feel safe and secure? Still loved and wanted, but better able to be the authentic you?
Or maybe BOTH?
Now that you put it that way, it may very well be about both; they certainly aren't mutually exclusive. And if exploring polyarmory, or even just using the topic to prompt a discussion, helps us to be better communicators and lovers then I call that a win all on its own.
... Though I had never thought about the trust
angle. If you would have asked me thirty seconds ago, I would have said that I trust my wife entirely and unconditionally. She's certainly the more reasonable and stable of our pair. Yet, obviously, I don't trust her to enough to just talk to her about these feelings.
I'm afraid she'll leave, or just pull away and here's why: I really screwed up once. I cheated on her, and then I made the situation worse.
It was at the end of the same pattern I saw myself falling into last year: fatigue, emotional distance, seeking fulfillment elsewhere. And I handled it in possibly the worst way. Instead pulling myself together and getting my inside shit straight, I immediately ran home and confessed, then dragged my wife through the ugly mess of my own dark introspection. I basically hurt her twice in quick succession in the name of trying to be a good partner. It took us about a year to patch things back together; I know that for a brief while she seriously considered divorce. (This was almost 8 years ago; but I don't know if time really makes a difference.)
So, when I think about talking about being attracted other women, there's that specter of my erstwhile infidelity lurking in the background. That's probably the biggest source of my anxiety.
It's really hard to put that out there. It's not the admission of the act, it's the sense of guilt that I still feel associated with it. Maybe I haven't forgiven myself. I've rationalized the hell out of that episode; I thought about it and tried to learn from it, but I don't know if I've actually let it go.
It's all dark and squishy in my psyche; thanks for the kind listening.