I feel like I'm really falling in love with C.. it's a wonderful feeling, and yet so scary. It's so difficult for me to seperate the scary from the wonderful. To just enjoy the intensity, the connection, the tangible flow of feelings and emotions between us.
I get nothing but reassuring signals from him about our relationship. He lives in another city and because he lives alone, it's easier for me to go and see him than for him to come and be with me, and he suggested he wants to pay part of my traintickets because of this. He also suggested arranging for some sort of transportation when I am in his city so we don't have to walk everywhere. We are in constant contact and I don't think there has been a day the last month that we did not text each other goodnight.
He's going on a date on Tuesday and I'm so scared.
I feel stupid and petty and childish and whatever. But hey it's my blog and I can be that way here
its not like I can mention it to anyone else.. my friends would say well yeah you signed up for this didn't you? and Ren would probably understand it but would not have much patience with my sadness and restlessness.
C knows I am a bit worried but I would never let him know the extent of my worries.
It's something I have to deal with. It's a test of my faith, I guess.
Next weekend I'm going away with mrBrown for a couple of days When we do, it will be almost 2 months since we last saw eachother. I'm looking forward to it, but i'm not as giddy with excitement about it as I would have been when this trip had happened a couple of months ago. Maybe it's too much: working on my connection with Ren, building this new love with C., that there just isn't room for another exciting love?
I look at MrBrown more as a kind of FWB now I think. It's hard for me to feel really close to someone when we are not regularly in touch. It's been almost a week now since we last exchanged some (pretty insignificant) texts. It's not that I want more contact with him, it's just that I realize that this relationship turned out different from what I thought in the very beginning.
There are days when I feel that that the fact that things can change, that nothing is certain, is my biggest and most beautiful lesson to learn from poly, and it makes me grateful and I feel like I am living my fullest life. And then there are the days when that feeling of 'everything can always change' makes me feel like I am walking on quicksand and I can be swallowed by it any minute.