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Old 06-22-2012, 04:46 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

I've only been living my poly tangle for a few months, but I love to share what I learned about this in my mono life.

A very wise woman recommended to me to take 40 days and 40 nights in between that change of a relationship. She recommends it also for going from friends-to-lovers, but I have only done it after a break up. All the people I have successfully done this with, I am still friends with. All the people with whom I did not do this, I am not friends with.

(I did so much I got good at it, which I'm not necessarily proud of. serial monogamy has it's pain)

So, when there's a decision to break-up, be it mutual or not, you have a conversation. 'I like to take a break, to give me time to heal. I request we have no contact for 40 days and 40 nights. *pull out a calendar* We can meet on thus-and-such a date.' Pick a place to meet, I recommend neutral ground. The meeting is to re-connect, talk about whether we'd still like to be friends, or whatever. During the breakup conversation, you work out any details. I knew a couple who did this, but there was a kid birthday in the middle of the 40 days, so they negotiated how to do that. I was owed some money, and I said, 'give it to friend X, they can give it to me' I did have one that ended a few days early, my truck had broken down, and he was a mechanic, and graciously saved me. Although, I stuck to my agreement, and asked another friend to call him for me.

For me, it prevents me from saying or doing stupid stuff in the heat of a regretful moment, or a grieving moment. I tend to write a lot, but the no-contact makes me not send them. It prevents drunk dialing. It gives me time to remember who I am as a single person (because i had a tendency to forget that in overzealous pair bonding). :P There's also a commitment on my part, to not enter into new relationship(s) during the 40 days. It's not that long of a time.

I, personally, find it a wonderful tool for going from lovers to friends. (and the last one I successfully completed, resulted in wonderful friendship for 6 years, and now he's back ~ as FirstBoyFriend)(I wasn't successful at it with CurrentBoyFriend and he is, obviously still boyfriend)
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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