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Old 06-22-2012, 04:26 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by Sinensis View Post
But the fact that I have to talk to a therapist about trying to make an open/poly situation work makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.
I love your choice of words here, because it allows me to make a huge distinction:

FACT: You plan on talking to a therapist about a new relationship situation.

I understand your feeling, but just because you feel something DOESN'T necessarily make it the truth. Think about all the things people talk to therapists about. Some are maybe more complicated than poly, true, but many are not. If there's something "wrong" with you (and I suspect there's NOT) then there's something "wrong" with a WHOLE LOT of people who need a little outside help dealing with various aspects of life.
Originally Posted by Sinensis View Post
I mean, I know it's always a struggle to some degree or another, but most people at least seem to be fine until other partners actually become involved.
Neither of these are as true as you seem to think they are. Some people barely struggle at all (at least, with the idea/practice of poly. probably with other relationship issues, though) and some flip at just the THOUGHT of their partner being with someone else. You're somewhere in the middle, and you WANT to work on it. That's HUGE. Your girlfriend seems to know and appreciate this- I hope you're able to at some point too.
Originally Posted by Sinensis View Post
I'm so ashamed of how much trouble I'm having this early in the game, and it feels like I have to fix some basic things about myself before I can get to this. Significant insecurities, habits, and tendencies that I was already sort of working on, but which I'd managed to survive with for quite a while without it coming to a head. It seems like such a long path to actually get those cleared up.
Feeling ashamed isn't going to help anything, so hopefully that's something you can also work through, but yeah, one thing about poly (and the reason it almost never works as a "fix" for a broken relationship) is that it shines a hella bright light into the shadows and brings cracks into sharp, sharp relief. So, yes, wanting to go down the poly path may take time and effort. But if it's what you want, that's okay. So many people want things to happen quickly, even right away. But it's okay to go slow, as long as overall progress is being made in the direction everyone wants. She said she'd eventually like to be poly/open. There's no deadline. She wants to be poly/open WITH YOU, so you're a very necessary part of what she wants! If it helps, I'm poly and my husband is mono, and we took over 10 years to get to the point where I could have a committed, sexual relationship with someone besides him. But it was worth it. I have an awesome husband AND an awesome boyfriend and I wouldn't have any of what I have now if I hadn't been willing to be patient and go through this journey at (mostly) his pace.

Good luck, I know the path can be bumpy but as long as this remains something you want you can navigate it!
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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