Am I happy in my relationship with M now?
One the one hand - definately not. Everything is unsure, fragile. This makes me insecure, it starts obsession, which lately is composed of trying to figure out ways to 'make her love me' - which is stupid. My focus has to return to taking charge of my own life. She is with another man right now and though I said I would accept this, without her support at this time I feel really uncomfortable, like I have lost her to him. He is rich, I am a poor student. They are skiing and staying in a resort with spas and restaurant and... It makes me feel inadequate.
So no, I'm not happy. When she is not with me I am not happy. When she is with me, or at least visiting regularly I am very happy. This sucks. Happiness is meant to come from within.
The obsession really is some kind of avoidance behaviour that life is not as I want it - and I am projecting this onto M - that she is the answer to my malaise. Yet her behaviour is a catalyst for a great deal of it. All of that is water under the bridge now, my fear is that she will only produce more of the same in the future.
Part of me wants to cut her off cold. But this does not feel right. Part of me wants to fix everything, but this feels even worse. Part of me wants to love her unconditionally and accept her as a bonus in my life, but also accept the future is unknown. This feels confusing. Partly it feels right (unconditional love) and partly it feels suicidal (haven't you tried hard enough do you really think you can cope with more pain).
Filled with uncertainty and fear then.
Fear, that old enemy of love, has been an almost constant companion for this year. No wonder she's gone off me a bit. And all my thoughts concentrated on what is wrong, what she is doing wrong, grasping at straws, overreading things, grasping, grasping. We both do it. We are both trying to get out of this by finding fault in the other. Unfair, not honest, just people though, doing the best we can. Fear of loss of love fucking up the love. I say, from now on I can do much better. I can think before I open my mouth.
I don't NEED M. But i think i do a lot. i NEED peace of mind.
Today I am not hungover for the first time all week. I have been writing myself off in the evenings. This needs to change so last night I only had a couple instead of several-many and tonight there will be no alcohol. I'm ok, it's common for this type behaviour in a break up situation. Yes it hurts, feelings, they too will pass.