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Old 06-20-2012, 05:54 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I didn't make any suggestions I asked a question. Unfortunately I have a great deal of knowledge in this type of situations.... from two separate angles...much more then I wanted.
Fair enough. I was apparently being overly defensive, wouldn't be the first time

Unfortunately you pointed out crazy or irrational people don't care about the consequences. Does she have other people covering the other hrs when your husbands not there?
She's got someone coming over every night. She's less concerned about the day time... his behaviour is related to his drinking, which has traditionally been a problem mainly in the evenings.

Are you concerned for your husbands safety. If this is has spun that far out of control this sex issue might seem stupid in the scheme of things.
I am, yes. We've spoken about this. My husband was one of those young men who would get into bar fights all the time, for all the usual reasons. He's since gone through tremendous amounts of counselling and he's no longer the same person, but he still has the instincts of a fighter he's just learned to control them. More importantly, he knows how NOT to fight... i.e. how to dissipate a situation before it gets that far. I believe that he would be able to keep the guy at bay long enough for the cops to show up without getting himself beat-up.

It's worth mentioning that the abuse was verbal and psychological, never physical. While it's true that this can change of course, hence my comments earlier, we think it's unlikely that he would get physical with another man. He's misogynist. Regardless, no one's planning to open the door to this guy, so the "body guards" are mostly for her peace of mind and sense of security.

You had the ick factor or negative gut reaction ..or however you characterized your feeling about this ..... I meant using the poly doctrine or thinking to help you. Use those principles.....can't make others feel anything ( which implies you wont be able to manage how the others feel as well ), everyone's responsible for their own relationship(s), honest communication, compersion, etc, etc,....
Ahh, I see the misunderstanding. I actually draw a distinction between "icky feelings" (envy, jealousy, insecurity, etc) and "bad gut feelings" (my body telling me that there is a real problem and I shouldn't just "work through it.")

Icky feelings (jealousy) I always deal with. I force myself if I have to, but I never use them to manipulate people into changing their behaviour just so I don't have to feel anything negative. However, I've ignored bad gut feelings before. The last time I did, I ended up in a ditch. The weather was bad, my stomach was in knots and I did NOT want to drive... but I did anyway, and spun out and rolled 2.5 times. I've learned to trust gut feelings. My challenge now is learning to distinguish them from "icky" feelings.

So while icky feelings indicate a need for me to work on myself and confront my insecurities, gut feelings indicate a need to put the brakes on and re-assess the situation.

Never heard the term monoamorous is that new?
Well, yes and no. Around here, we usually just use the word "mono" with the "amory" inferred. But we make a big deal out of distinguishing between "polyamory" and "just fucking around." So for the sake of clarity, I started using the terms polyamory and polysexuality, acknowledging that they are not identical. The opposite of poly is mono, hence monoamory and monosexuality. I've also known people to refer to themselves as asexual, so I suppose you could also have anamory...

I actually describe my husband as "barely monoamorous" because he's not naturally the type to put any kind of work into a romantic relationship. He's always been the bachelor's bachelor, and whenever his girlfriends would become "too much work" he would usually bail. He grew up in a very emotionally stiffled home, so he's always struggled to deal with emotions, both his own and those of others. Until me, he'd never met anyone "worth" putting all that work into, and he's not the least bit interested in putting that much work squared. Nor does he have the time and energy. He's got a 19yo daughter who takes a lot of his energy and "work quota," and he loves his job and can tend towards workaholism.

I guess I should clarify that when I say he self-identifies as monoamorous, it's not like he used that word. He described what I said above and added that even if he had the time and energy, he has no desire for multiple romantic relationships of his own, but that he can accept my own polyamory. Then he went on to say "but, just because I don't want other girlfriends, that doesn't mean I might not want to have casual sex every now and then" hence the polysexuality.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-20-2012 at 05:58 PM.
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