I don't know why I have that song in my head. Silly, I know.
We had a really great weekend. Monday the three of us went out on an actual date to a nice Italian restaurant. On the way home Bear decided that he wanted to make his fabulous spaghetti sauce. Lovely and I helped him get everything chopped up for it and then had a wonderful three hour nap. It was delightful waking up beside her all the time : )
The dynamics of the relationship continue to change and evolve. She and I spent a lot of time talking about a whole host of topics, and since a lot of these conversations happened while we were naked in bed you know where that went and that was wonderful also
I absolutely adore my husband. I can't imagine my life without my Bear, but I feel somewhat guilty that I my poor broken body (I guess I'll have to tell y'all that story, too) responds better to her touch than his.
Broken body story: Six years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had the whole protocol for dealing with it. Surgery, radiation and chemo. Voila! Instant menopause. And, one of the results of the treatment is that I have vaginal atrophy and scar tissue. Due to these two things my lubrication glands don't work very well.... unless I'm with a woman. Then they work just fine.
I don't understand WHY my body works that way. I am certainly no more excited about her than him.... it's pretty equal. But, that's the way of it, and it makes me feel guilty. ::shrug::
So, emotionally I'm a little confused. I really like Lovely, I'm enjoying our relationship as well as her relationship with Bear and our triad relationship... but I have issues that I'm trying to work through.
The biggest issue, the HUGE issue is that I want to change her. And that's really bad. Really, really bad. I want to change the way she dresses. On the one hand that seems really petty, on the other hand I'd like to put her in clothes that flatter her body. I recognize that the desire to change someone, no matter how petty the change is bad.
Granted, she's a single mom, going to school, working a minimum wage job so it's not like she has extra cash to go out and buy a bunch of clothes. She makes do with what she has.
LOL Maybe it's the artist in me? I want to make everything as pretty as I can?
What I'm going to do though is to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to her. This is MY problem, not hers.
As for the big L word... I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend. Left to my own devices I would not have started a sexual relationship as soon as it started, but Bear pushed it and I didn't say, "Whoa." Of course, Lovely isn't complaining because it had been a long, long time for her.
I'm afraid that it's just complicated matters for me on the emotional front because I'm not in the habit of just jumping into bed with people for fun.
Then there's the complication of children. Lovely's daughter desperately wants a daddy and she is seeing Bear as the one that can fill that need. My concern is that we'll date for a while, decide this isn't working out the way we want it to and then a sweet little girl gets her heart broken.
Gah. I've got too many conflicting emotions. I thought that if I sat down and started writing that I would be able to work some of it out, but I haven't. Now it all seems bigger than it was before I started writing.