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Old 05-27-2009, 01:40 PM
PlanetPurple PlanetPurple is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 4

Hmm, yes I can see that was a mistake of mine...not telling him right off the bat that I am poly.

Problem is that I am barely beginning to accept this polyamory stuff about myself. I'm not yet to the point where I feel comfortable just putting it out there from the very start. But I can definitely see that this is wise to do...for next time around. I've been a bit wobbly with this one, so it shouldn't shock me that he's getting wobbly too as a result. If I'd set it all this out on the table for him right from the start, maybe things would be less roller-coaster now.

In the past I assumed if I was interested in someone else I had to get a divorce. Unless I focus on my true inner self, I still get stuck in the rut of conventional thinking. I was headed in this same direction when I recognized the divorce pattern happening again, stopped it, worked stuff out with my husband, and THEN told the other guy: never mind, I'm not leaving my husband, I'd prefer to keep you both and HE is fine with it, how about you? Up to that point, the other guy had been thinking I was in the process of leaving my husband. Not specifically FOR this other guy, but I guess he liked to think he was the catalyst in my decision making process. So the other guy was staying married and I'd told him I was totally fine with that, and I was well on my way to becoming single...until I changed my mind.

Okay, I can see how that rapid change of plans on my part could unsettle someone.

Though he knows my history with other men, how I divorced "for" them but it never worked out, so I always went back to my husband again. I've discussed with him that I don't want to go that same route again.

He has known all along that my husband knows about my feelings for him and is accepting of him in my life. He's had a hard time trusting that such a thing is possible. Maybe that's it...he just isn't convinced that my husband is okay with it, and prefers that husband be out of the picture before we become really involved? When I told him early on that my husband knew about him, he said the news "gave him a heart attack".

As for whether or not he wants 'just sex' instead of a real relationship, he has given me the impression that he wants more than just sex. Has been very effusive with the "I love you's" and the "we are soulmates" type of talk. But since he's not talking to me now, no way to clarify for sure. However, it makes no sense to me that he'd work for 3-4 months developing a friendship/relationship if all he wants is sex. There are quicker ways to get just sex. Maybe he is even less comfortable with those quicker ways than he is with having an affair?

Ah well, it is really bewildering. Thanks for the kind words. I will update you all if I hear from him again...
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