Thread: space and time
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Old 06-20-2012, 07:40 AM
Magenta Magenta is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: western europe
Posts: 6

Thanks, I am grateful for all your comments!

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Don't know if you've already discussed with your husband that you are choosing to become that independent
Yes, we discussed that. I loooked at an apartment about a year ago with the intention to move out completely. That apartment would have been big enoughfor me and the kids, which would have meant they'd have to move every week. He didn't like that option. He sais he'd prefer we live together, partly for the kids, partly for our own practicality, and I guess partly for what his family might think...but the latter is only speculation.

He went with me to look at that apartment. I've been very open with my feeling about our relationship.
I also encourage him to hang out more but he's not the kind of person who makes friends easily. Or WANTS to make friends - I don't know. Still, he went out two evenings in a row now and of course I was at home with the kids! I really enjoy that, so that's no problem.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I imagine that it would feel very threatening - my spouse getting an apartment and letting me know they were already planning on being gone up to twice a week - that on top of a newly open relationship would make me struggle with trusting that my partner wasn't planning on jumping ship any second. Just wonder if you've examined your motives closely, as it seems looking at an apartment before you have even found somebody you want to be in a relationship with seems hasty.
Well, I AM considering leaving him and he knows that. He told me he would prefer to keep living together and is willing to give me the chance to go out regularly. Last year, my gf and me had the arrangement that I sleep at her place once a week. He clearly thinks our marriage was better when we lived monogamous but he still seems okay with this.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
perhaps you are very eager to run with this and start making up for the years of missing sexual intimacy. Anyway, regardless, I just recommend thinking hard about how your actions look to your husband, what they mean for you, your marriage, and your family.
Thanks, I try to do that and I'm grateful you repeat it for me. But actually I think I've done that for a far too long time now. I've adjusted to too many things and neglecting my own needs. So I feel I am reclaiming my own needs, trying to become me again, with my own ideas, my own frinds (which I've neglected bewcause he prefers to spend time wioth our familiy, the five of us), my job, my sexuality. Maybe I kind of fall over into the other extreme too much at the moment, but I don't know if I can help that right now

Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It's not fair to your husband to keep him around until someone more compatible for you comes along. If you are committed to maintaining your relationship with your husband I would say that you still have a lot of work to do to mend what you have. You've self described your relationship as broken which, to me, means either put a lot of work into fixing it or putting a lot of work into seperating amicably so that you can coparent your children in the best way possible.
Well, I am not sure whether there aren't more than these two options. That's basically why I'm in this forum.

Afaik, the idea about polyamory is that you can have an loving relationship to several people. The relationship to my husband is not romantic any more, nor sexual. But apart from the kids he is the most important person in my life. Even if I 'add' another one (and I tested this last year), his position might move slightly, but he still belongs to the important persons in my life. I don't know whether 'broken' is the right term.
We've been together for 13 years. Even with a large portion NRE, these years and our deep (platonic) connection will not disappear immediately, I think and hope.

Originally Posted by poeticwatcher View Post
Just a long thought, how long have you & your husband been together? You mention not having sex with him in the past 5 years, would it possible that he is (could/would identify as) asexual?
Yes, maybe he is. But I don't know whether I want to put any effort in finding out. I think that's up to him.
I've tried to raise the sex issue many times without success. During our relationship, I basically changed my sexuality from being curious and relaxed to almost feeling ashamed of it. I had such a wonderful sex life before! And after some years it was all gone.

Sometimes I even feel angry about him. How could he do that to me? How could he treat me like this for such a long time?
And I am angry about myself. why didn't I see this earlier? Why did I just accept this development? Why didn't I stop this process in time? Well I guess it's because for about ten years, I hoped things would get better. But they didn't. So now I have to change something. And no, talking doesn't help, I finally realised that.
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