Today was a mixed bag but entirely doable. I got annoyed with a woman who didn't bother to show for an appointment so I jut told her secretary I'll find another venue thank you very much. Felt a bit rude but it was me who travelled for the interview, and her in her place of work didn't bother to show...
Letting go of M, thoughts of M, seems almost constant, reality must be I spend a couple of times an hour having to switch focus again. It's a niggle really, not painful very often though there's a whole repertoire of painful things to think of should i choose to go there
Got a Wayne Dyer book out of the library, and some buddhist meditations to ponder. Really happy to be adressing a spiritual side to life again, I don't know what i believe I just know that faith helps, and with buddhism it is about being part of God, having faith in my own divine nature. i like this a lot, I have had a hard life but have always strove to be a good man. i love the concept of being selfless while taking great efforts to retain self care in order to better serve others.
M, I'm thinking I should not sleep with her. This will be very difficult for me, so I'm only pondering it for now. See, I reckon she's never been loved platonically before, it might help her see her worth as a person. Keen on feedback around this issue. Maybe she thinks men are all one-dimensional? Maybe I'm being a dick, using sex as a weapon? NO. She'll get some someplace else, maybe I don't want to not sleep with her as she will go someplace else...? Unconditional love sounds wonderful in theory, it can be very hard to practise, but i guess practise makes perfect.
It'd really help if i had someone else... This will come. I've not written M off, I just have to drop the expectations of her as my girlfriend. Expectations bring obsession. As a person I'd still like to know her, like to help her. this may change as I'm well and truly over being a doormat. I'll see, if she treats me good we're all good. if not I am taking my toys, and the sandpit, and moving. I hate leaving people in a mess, but i did not create the mess. i can try to help, if it doesn't work, so be it.