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Old 06-19-2012, 11:46 PM
corey corey is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spokane, WA
Posts: 36


I need to preface this reply, having written it - there are some harsh words in here which might shock you. They are intended to. Rather than putting up defenses, though, I would like you to seriously think about what I (and others) are saying here and to see if they fit your situation. It may not be as extreme as this - I am putting this out there as a prod to your thought process, rather than passing judgement, ok?

Not only that - it would be wrong. It's her story to tell. Maybe you can be there when she tells it, but she needs to say it. A lot of poly people insist on having a conversation (on the phone at least, if not in person) with a metamour - just to verify to the person that you are totally ok with it, and that lines of communication are present, if issues need to be resolved. Some don't do that, but I think that in your case, it would be something I would insist on.

No, that doesn't work for poly, sorry - poly is about OPENNESS and HONESTY - doing what you mentioned is neither. It is deceptive and dishonest.

If she wants polyamory, why is she so dead against this being open and honest? I think that this is a major question that needs to be resolved between the two of you - you may not like the answer, when it comes, but at least things will be out in the open.

Oh dear, really? This is big warning flag for me, because it implies to me that she doesn't accept you for who you are, but is instead trying to mold you into what she wants "for your own good".

It is one thing to encourage the growth of your partner, it's another to "try to tell you how to be a better person".

The harsh statement here (which may only be partially true) is that she doesn't really love YOU, but she loves the person she feels she can change you into. I have seen this in too many relationships before, and it rarely ends well.

Originally Posted by corey View Post
Some background about her personality might be necessary I guess. She is very strong personality.[/QUOTER]Forgive me, but for me a "strong person" has an inner, calm strength. People want to learn from them because they look up to them. She is sounding like a domineering person - someone who wants to mold everyone around her to her ideals, someone who does whatever they want, and expects everybody else to be happy with it.

aka "the doormat". She does whatever she likes in her life, decides what to tell you and what not to tell you, expects you to be happy with whatever she DOES choose to tell you, and is trying to change you into something that is more what she regards as "ideal".

Well, you do need to make your own decisions, I agree - but there's nothing wrong with doing some research to improve your knowledge, is there?

This is a standard tactic by a controlling personality - restrict the amount of information that that controlled person can get in order to make their version of reality the only possible one.

The folks here aren't "random strangers" - they are people who have many years of experience with poly relationships, both good and bad, and post in order to try to help folks through their own issues.

She is more than welcome to create an account on here and talk about her side of things - and you might want to let her know that. My guess is that she won't do that, but still - you're not hiding anything from her, are you? (Well, I hope you're not - this forum is open to Google and will appear in search results)

i.e. she's saying "you're not what I want and I'm going to try to change you into someone better". frankly, that's insulting to you.

A partner should be making you feel better about yourself, helping you to grow, accentuating the positive and all that. It sounds like she isn't doing that for you at all, in fact, she is just making you feel worse about yourself.

Corey, this is your decision to make, of course. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. If you want things to improve then you either need to change the relationship or get out of it. If you do not make changes, then nothing will improve.

Once again, sorry if this sounds harsh - I can't see your circumstances - I can only react to the way you are portraying them.
I read this article last night before posting about being a "nice guy" and it sums me up to a T.

It is my personality and "nice guys" do act like door mats rather than man. She is trying to teach me not to be a door mat, I should clarify that when I say she tries to change my behavior. Honestly, I don't want to be a door mat and always have been and I feel like she is changing me for the better. After reading that article and some others on AskMen site I am not happy with WHO I am and I know that even though she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, someone HAS to tell you when your acting like a "door mat". I grew up without a father, just single parent (mother) and so I don't feel like I got taught how to be a man and I need to learn to grow on my own, I know she doesnt want to have to "tell" me how to act. She has only mentioned that its like teaching at school, you can only teach the foundations - its up to you to learn to be who you are and have your own identity. Its one thing I always lacked. So I understand your perception, there is always two sides to the story, although while I feel like she is trying to say I am not "good enough" she is trying to help me be "better" without holding my hand like im a little kid.

The guy she was talking to before we will call him "D" she has mentioned things about him on her own a few times without me having to say anything. I think she is opening up a little bit and I feel like I am getting more used to the idea of our situation.

I think the difference here is that (as many people on this site have mentioned) our relationship is a bit unique and not quite poly - so I get some answers that respond in the sense of poly rather than what it is, but at the same time - I think some of those responses are still appropriate to the situation. So its good to keep in mind that she is ok with me hanging out with other girls but she said she doesnt want to know them or need me to talk about them. At the same time I feel a little more comfortable with the poly mentality of making it requirement to at least talk to the person and let them know I am okay with it. Like people have said, that would also make her to be dishonest with "D" as well.

You are both right, I need to decide if I am happy for myself (rather than, oh I dont want to be alone crap), if I am not happy if I can stand up for myself to make the relationship work and/or she will change.

Right now I feel like I am somewhere between "content" and "happy" and I think if there are certain things in place that I can be happy. At this point though I just need to wait and see how things work out. If they don't work out, I have accepted that - as sad as it would make me I have to realize that I cannot force something to be there that doesn't exist.

I know if I give her a little more time I will be able to make a solid concrete decision based on where we go from here.

As always appreciate the advice and any new comments on anything I said.
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