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Old 06-19-2012, 10:19 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What about the other methods to stay safe...restraining order, home security system...pistol grip shotgun, local law enforcement and the advent of the cellphone( 911 or emergency #'s )
Your suggestions indicate that you have never personally been in this kind of situation. It's all fine and good to talk about restraining orders, but many abuse victims will tell you how effective those are. Oh wait, no they won't, because their abusive exes ignored the restraining orders and murdered them.

She's had a restraining order in place for months, he's ignored it before. He recently came back and was banging on the door, screaming through the window, phoning her repeatedly. She called the cops, they hauled him off and put him in jail and extended the restraining order to include her kids. He was released on bail, pending trial. Being put in jail and banned from seeing his kids pissed him right the fuck off and now she's afraid of retribution.

She's on social assistance (with two kids under 3, childcare alone would cost her more than she could make working; she had a job before they met, but he did that wonderful abusive thing where he made her quit so she could be a stay at home mom), so a home alarm is not a financially viable option. Besides, those are useless if someone is determined enough. Response time is longer than the time it takes to cause bodily harm, and he already proved that he's too stupid to care about consequences.

She has been using law enforcement to the full extent possible. However, they're really only good at arresting bad guys after the damage has been done. Obviously they're not offering to put a car outside her house and monitor her safety.

There are a number of problems with the gun suggestion. First, she has young children so she would have to keep it locked up and the ammo stored separately, as per the law in her jurisdiction and basic common sense. So by the time he's broken down the door and pinned her to the floor, the gun isn't going to do a fuck of a lot of good. Second, in her jurisdiction, legislation actually forbids using weapons for self-defence. So even if she could get the gun, load it, and shoot him, she would end up in jail and her kids without parents. She's really not the type to use a gun, anyway, and her hesitance would give him the chance to take the gun from her and use it against her. My self-defence class emphasized that an assault victim is more likely to be disarmed and attacked with their own weapon than they are to be capable and willing to use it effectively against their attacker.

The authorities specifically recommend not relying on cell phones for situations like these. For one thing, it's impossible to exactly trace the signal in the time required to provide emergency service, even with GPS. The police advised her that the best kind of connection is a land line phone in every room, which she has, specifically because of this guy. She can't afford it anyway.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How did he come to being tasked as a bodyguard....did she ask him ...did she ask you and you ask him ...did he volunteer?
It was she who asked my husband to come stay with her, but he's not the only person. She's had different friends staying with her every night, and plans to do so until his trial in July. I didn't mention that because it wasn't relevant to the situation.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
They seem to think it will be just sex....which your ok with least in the past.
You and husband are poly so no conflict there.
The close friend/ sister ok if he sticks his fist or dick up her but not develop feelings or have her as additional loving partner? Isn't that against the poly doctrine?
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
His penis has never been out of his pants when they've played, and it's always been in public. He put on a fisting workshop once and she was his demo. With a room full of "students" it was all very clinical and not at all sexy... and yet it was still weird between she and I afterwards. They played one other time at a fetish ball, and it was only spanking. So we're definitely entering new territory here.

My husband is not polyamorous, he just likes sexual variety. He has absolutely no desire for anything but fucking, nor does he have time and energy for an additional romantic relationship. Because of how he is, the possibility of them getting romantically involved is right off the table.
My husband self-identifies as monoamorous and polysexual. Therefore poly[amory] doctrine is irrelevant. You might ask why, then, did I raise this issue on a poly forum? Because I know that the people here have extensive experience to draw on and generally give good advice. I could have asked in a swinger forum, I suppose, but I'm not a member of any because I'm not a swinger.

Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You seem a bit wiser and more realistic as to the possibility of more....which is poly ...right.
Not necessarily. If a fuck buddy falls in love with a married monoamorous person, it's not poly. It's unrequited love and a broken heart. That would make the three of us ever hanging out together awkward at best and impossible at worst.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-19-2012 at 10:49 PM.
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