Ah yes, closure. I've been thinking about how I want to cut M off completely, but this is only for my sake, and there's a little bit of throw my toys out of the cot behaviour comes with it. Thoughts around it are not pleasant so I do not believe it is what I actually want to do. My head just wants all this processing over as some is painful. As Kevin says - it may be the processing is part of normal life, something to get used to. I don't mind doing a morning routine to straighten my head out, I just remember days I woke filled with joy and wonder, it hurts to compare to today where I wake up hurt and confused and feeling helpless to help it.
What I actually want to do is fall in love with someone mono. I do not want to damage the friendship that remains between M and myself but if it comes at the expense of my mental health I guess I will have to.
I think she is a sex addict. This I can help her with as a friend, as a boyfriend no way, there might be some saints out there but it hurts too much. Remove the addictive behaviour there may/may not remain a poly woman. I definately have to step back. See, when I found out she cheated on me several months ago she was all tearful, said she was a sex addict, and that she wanted help. since then there has been NOTHING on her part to change. NOTHING.
Me, I've put myself through HELL trying to own my part in it all, trying to be open minded etc. TOO MUCH.
"Every cock in her mouth is a dagger in my heart"
Love then, this feels good inside of me. I must love her, support her, help her to feel safe with me as a friend to seek help (or not!). I am very good in this role I just never adopted it I was too close, too hurt, too involved.
What do I want. Keep the discipline of self up. Keep up the comedy (they gave me the headline, and 2 days later, I'm back on stage tonight!). Get my degree/s and a great job. Meet women, date, fall in love with a poly woman who treats me wonderfully, and return it. Write an inspiring book. Help people (unemployed/homeless/addicted/mental health). I used to give lots of comedy proceeds to charity, I can do that again once my own finance is straightened out. It's all about love for me. Love for my work, my fellow man, my hobbies, my friends, my planet, my lover.
Things to be grateful for concerning M: We are friends and this is safe provided i don't start trying to own her/control her, this is safe if I can let go of my expectations she is the one for me - she is not!! Not as she is, no way I deserve far better.
Thoughts: I will always be alone.
Errors: Conclusions, extreme thinking, globalising, probably more.
Analysis: I am not alone now. i could get on the road and go see family and they would take care of me in a heartbeat. I have 11 friends on this street alone. Right next door, people who love me. I have friends who will turn up anytime i say i need them. i am definately not alone. The key to happiness is a matter of focus for me now. i know that achievements etc help happiness but how I percieve day to day life is the real deal, this is where I live most of the time, within the ordinary dealings of life. My focus needs to be on love, gratitude, joy, peace of mind, healing, contribution, and acceptance. I meet women all the time when I go out so I'm doing the right thing right now by rebuilding my comedy ties and getting out of my house. i was olny lonely and lost when M arrived in my life as I was a hermit, and I let life kick me round. There is no need to lie down and be miserable, in fact I'm absolutely over getting sympathetic energy. There are half a million women in this town, and i am going to meet one who is amazing. In the meantime i need to prepare for this by getting my finances and transport together, and working diligently at both comedy and university. i have many positive things i can do. i must overcome the apathy/want to sit and worry about me/procrastination I like to wallow in, get up, get on with it, and do my best. life falls into place when i do this. I am extremely capable, i can get my needs met.