Feel free to read my other posts if you'd like more of a back story. Long story short, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years, started dating my girlfriend a year and a half ago. This is my first serious girlfriend and first serious poly relationship. I fell for my girl so hard and so fast, and we haven't looked back.
Things w my bf have been up and down, just through the stresses of life and my new feelings in being with someone else. I've gone through a lot of uncertainty in the past couple years but recently have felt much more connected to him again. I'm so happy to have him in my life and could never imagine being without him. I love him dearly, respect him and he's my best friend. I love holding him, being around him and talking - he inspires me. We have so much fun together and have a very deep bond. Things have not been quite right physically/sexually for the past 2 yrs - I've had a hard time feeling the passion with him in that sense - but I am opening up again and we are working on getting back there. Things got a bit shaky with us recently because of his jealousy, need to be #1 in my life and fear of losing me. I told him everything I've been saying here ^ and trying to spend more time together and show him I'm still and always will be his partner. He has always been very supportive of my relationship with my gf but tells me it makes him feel lonely sometimes.
I just feel my relationship with my gf vs with my bf is so different. They both bring such different things to my life. He is my rock, he inspires me and knows me better than anyone. He's so smart and always knows what to say. We have a ton in common but at the same time are different in a lot of ways. My gf & I have been living day in and day out full of passion in every way. Yes we had hardcore NRE in the beginning but I feel that reached it's peak months ago and we have been steadily enjoying our relationship together.
My gf is closer to my age than him, so we are at a very similar point in life. We both absolutely adore traveling and are constantly taking little trips together. Our passions are similar so we're constantly exciting each other and having the time of our lives. She gets me so worked up in every way! She makes me feel things I've never felt before. So obviously I am bisexual but have always been more interested in girls - and I just feel I am right where I've always needed to be with her. I've always longed for a relationship just like this - a passionate, energetic, exciting, happy, CUTE relationship with a girl who's not only my best friend but my lover. I love taking care of her and being there for each other. She makes me so happy and I couldn't see my life without her either.
Last month we decided my gf would move in with me after her lease was up (I was living alone) because she was over here all the time any way. Things have been great! We are so compatible living together and it has really been working. However, when I told my bf she would be moving in with me it really hurt him. He told me he felt I was leaving him behind. I never meant to hurt him - it's just so hard to balance what makes me happy and what makes each of them happy - with being fair to everyone. He wanted to be the first person I lived with, and wants to live with me some day (and maybe not her.) I think I'd enjoy living with him, but we wouldn't be quite as compatible as room mates as her and I are. And honestly this is just how things are working out. If you want to do something you do it, and he never showed that much interest in actually making us living together happen. So here we are.
Now the whole point in this entire post.. As I stated, the passion between gf & I is unreal! I'm madly in love with her and she makes me feel so alive. A few months ago we were at a concert seeing our favorite band, looking into each others eyes, dancing and having the time of our lives. She looked so absolutely beautiful and I knew I wanted her in my life forever. I couldn't hold back anymore and asked her the question that had been on my mind for some time, I told her I wanted her to be my wife. She was ecstatic and said she wanted that as well - we were thrilled!
The next day however, I couldn't figure out how to tell my bf this news her & I were so excited to share. Inconvenient timing, that same week some very rough family issues happened to arise for my bf and he was not in a good place mentally. I decided now was not the time to discuss my happiness when he was so stressed. Things kept getting more intense for his family over the next few weeks and he was full in head on dealing with those things. I kept waiting for the right moment but it never came. My gf has been patiently waiting and I know I look like the biggest jerk alive but she is in pain feeling I am leading her along.
Telling him about the move in felt like kind of a test run and with how bad that went now I am more scared than ever to tell him about the engagement. Am I a terrible person? Like I said before, it's so hard balancing the happiness of 3 people (myself included) and knowing when to let love and relationships run their course and what is crossing boundaries. I have tried all this time to take things one day at a time and this is where I am now. A friend of mine observing the situation criticized me for this, for trying to make everyone happy all at once, she said it's just not possible sometimes. I don't know if this is completely true but it did ease up some of the guilt I put on myself if I can't make things perfect for everyone.
I desperately need advice and some outside perspective. I am so caught up in the middle of everything, in all the emotion from every side - it's hard to know what the right move to make is. Can you make two primary relationships work? Am I wrong to be happy about building a life with my gf? How do I help my boyfriend believe this advancement with her doesn't mean taking a step back from him? How do I enjoy sharing my love for my girl with others without making my bf jealous? Do I need to take a step back from everything???