Originally Posted by Mudita
When you date or sleep with someone, at what point do you folks ask if they are seeing someone else?
How do you ask?
- are you seeing other people?
- is there a SO in your life?
How much of the onus is on the person in the relationship to volunteer the info, and how much is on the other person to ask?
That comment I made earlier is actually the latest in a possible/budding relationship where I find it appropriate to discuss the matter. I typically will ask a lady to coffee or lunch just for company and to get to know her better to figure out if I might want to pursue a relationship. Those aren't presented as capital-D "Dates," just as casual meetings for conversation.
I expect the topic to arise in conversation at some point over coffee, though not specifically aimed at my relationships. It usually pops up in the context of discussing some third person's dealings, such as a public figure's cheating scandal; that leads to a "if they're poly, then I don't see how it's cheating, though I don't know that they are..." and then the response from the potential partner. It is that response that can be most illuminating, as without knowledge of me being poly, the response is free and uninhibited and tells me whether she's poly-friendly or -curious or whether she's vehemently opposed.
Should I get to the point where I've decided I'd like to pursue a relationship with the lady and it still hasn't cropped up in conversation, then I'd simply lay it on the line: "I'm interested in you and I want to get involved with you. I have to report that I'm married. My wife and I are polyamorous, so she already knows that I'm interested in you and approves of it. blahblahblah."
Likewise, if they've not mentioned any relationships prior, I'd simply ask: "Are you involved with anybody?" Yeah, it's that simple and straightforward. I ask for the information I want to learn.