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Old 06-19-2012, 02:02 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467


I need to preface this reply, having written it - there are some harsh words in here which might shock you. They are intended to. Rather than putting up defenses, though, I would like you to seriously think about what I (and others) are saying here and to see if they fit your situation. It may not be as extreme as this - I am putting this out there as a prod to your thought process, rather than passing judgement, ok?

Originally Posted by corey View Post
I must say that I do somewhat understand that if she is physically attracted to someone (she is very particular) that it would be difficult to go to the guy and just tell him she is in a relationship - I know that would make me feel uncomfortable.
Not only that - it would be wrong. It's her story to tell. Maybe you can be there when she tells it, but she needs to say it. A lot of poly people insist on having a conversation (on the phone at least, if not in person) with a metamour - just to verify to the person that you are totally ok with it, and that lines of communication are present, if issues need to be resolved. Some don't do that, but I think that in your case, it would be something I would insist on.

Originally Posted by corey View Post
I did ask if I could meet him (i.e. he doesn't even have to know I am her boyfriend I said she could just casually introduce me as her friend one day if they were in the hall). Didn't get a yes on that quite yet, but didn't get a firm no either.
No, that doesn't work for poly, sorry - poly is about OPENNESS and HONESTY - doing what you mentioned is neither. It is deceptive and dishonest.

If she wants polyamory, why is she so dead against this being open and honest? I think that this is a major question that needs to be resolved between the two of you - you may not like the answer, when it comes, but at least things will be out in the open.

Originally Posted by corey View Post
She has high expectations for me. She consistently tries to tell me how to be a better person (and I know that this may sound odd) but she often gives me advice on how to carry myself or how to act in certain occasions (to my benefit, not for her to control me).
Oh dear, really? This is big warning flag for me, because it implies to me that she doesn't accept you for who you are, but is instead trying to mold you into what she wants "for your own good".

It is one thing to encourage the growth of your partner, it's another to "try to tell you how to be a better person".

Originally Posted by corey View Post
So this is that part that confuses me. Why would she care about how I hold myself around people or try to teach me to be a better person unless she did care. At the same time though I just dont see her "loving" side the way I expect.
The harsh statement here (which may only be partially true) is that she doesn't really love YOU, but she loves the person she feels she can change you into. I have seen this in too many relationships before, and it rarely ends well.

[QUOTE=corey;140154] Some background about her personality might be necessary I guess. She is very strong personality.[/QUOTER]Forgive me, but for me a "strong person" has an inner, calm strength. People want to learn from them because they look up to them. She is sounding like a domineering person - someone who wants to mold everyone around her to her ideals, someone who does whatever they want, and expects everybody else to be happy with it.

Originally Posted by corey View Post
Me on the other hand I tend to play the reverse role and take on the "nice guy" personality trait.
aka "the doormat". She does whatever she likes in her life, decides what to tell you and what not to tell you, expects you to be happy with whatever she DOES choose to tell you, and is trying to change you into something that is more what she regards as "ideal".

Originally Posted by corey View Post
This is where she is consistently telling me that I don't need to ask "random strangers" on the internet for advice, that I need to be a man and make my own decisions.
Well, you do need to make your own decisions, I agree - but there's nothing wrong with doing some research to improve your knowledge, is there?

This is a standard tactic by a controlling personality - restrict the amount of information that that controlled person can get in order to make their version of reality the only possible one.

The folks here aren't "random strangers" - they are people who have many years of experience with poly relationships, both good and bad, and post in order to try to help folks through their own issues.

She is more than welcome to create an account on here and talk about her side of things - and you might want to let her know that. My guess is that she won't do that, but still - you're not hiding anything from her, are you? (Well, I hope you're not - this forum is open to Google and will appear in search results)

Originally Posted by corey View Post
She does often times point out to me that she likes a man that is not "softy" so I think we do have that personality difference.
i.e. she's saying "you're not what I want and I'm going to try to change you into someone better". frankly, that's insulting to you.

Originally Posted by corey View Post
Hell, I tell her sometimes I do feel less of a man when she is constantly critiquing everything about me (what I wear, how I sit) - I dont know if that is what is driving her away (me being somewhat "weak" personality) or what...
A partner should be making you feel better about yourself, helping you to grow, accentuating the positive and all that. It sounds like she isn't doing that for you at all, in fact, she is just making you feel worse about yourself.

Corey, this is your decision to make, of course. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. If you want things to improve then you either need to change the relationship or get out of it. If you do not make changes, then nothing will improve.

Once again, sorry if this sounds harsh - I can't see your circumstances - I can only react to the way you are portraying them.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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