Phy thank you for your thoughtful comment. I agree with you about what you write. Rationally, I do believe in it being alright in the end, but emotionally it fluctuates. Sometimes I can trust it completely, at others I can't stop the stress and worrying.
fuchka thank you!
I've had some things I felt like talking about to Mya, and I think finally yesterday the last of them got out. I am feeling closer to her as a result, even though I didn't know the stuff was getting in the way of feeling connected.
Some of it was just emotional things that I don't regard as having a very valid base, but I felt like they were slightly bugging me until I was able to express them. We were in such raw places when she was visiting that it could have been less constructive to try to talk about them then. But yesterday and the day before we skyped and it was better. It was good to hear, in a way, that we have the same struggles. Basically, on one hand we both value our own autonomy and freedom very much, yet, on the other, both of us have passing feelings of being not as important to the other one as the other things/people in her life.
I'll write a bit about what has been going on for me. I've felt a bit unimportant on a few occasions when I've felt like skyping and Mya has agreed that she feels like we would need some more time to connect, but then she had all these other commitments and we weren't able to talk for days. Yet, I definitely wouldn't have wanted her to cancel plans or anything like that, and since I do need respect for my own autonomy, I will not try to persuade my partner to spend their time with me instead of something else if the something else would have been their first choice. With this I am trying to express that while I had the urge of wanting to spend more time with Mya, what I choose to do is based on what I actually want on a more profound level (i.e. a relationship where both of us spend time with each other not out of a sense of obligation but because we want to). We talked about this, and it felt good just to hear her say that our time is important to her, too.
To the other side of the same issue. As Mya wrote, right now the issue of where and how I and Alec will live in the fall is up in the air. Mya is moving to the country where we live in now, but to a different city, Dream City. Due to the recent financial turns, it is uncertain that me and Alec will be able to stay where we are. If we have to leave here we might be able to move to Dream City, too (though it's looking really unlikely), but another possibility is that we are forced to return to Home Country.
Not surprisingly, Mya has a vested interest. Obviously, it would be awesome for us to be able to live in the same place, but then it would be the shittiest timing for moving away just when she is moving here. She was expressing all this to me, and don't get me wrong, I couldn't agree more. She also said that if I move to Home Country, it will feel like I'm choosing Alec over her (since he'd like to move there, though not for just a little while but eventually for good). Note, she didn't say that she would necessarily rationally think that it would be the case, and I can understand the feeling. However, I also felt a bit resentful about her reconstructing the situation as me choosing between them, when I am already upset about possibly not being able to afford living here as I want to. I felt resentful that because of her expectations from me, she couldn't really support me very well. Whereas she felt like her moving here is totally unimportant to me when I may move away at the same point.
It's just that right now my emotions are all over the place (and same seems to be true for my partners). Makes it difficult to untangle which aspects are valid and which are not in my own emotional existence. I hope Mya will add more about her point of view when she has the time.