Thank you all for your responses. It helps to not feel like I am overreacting or I am the only one that would not define those behaviors as flirting.
To address a question asked to me - I don't actually feel any of my requested boundaries are unfair since he chose to agree to them when we discussed both of our boundaries. I know boundaries will vary in every relationship, so the only true barometer of what is and is not fair is what the people involved agree to. Perhaps the D/s one is a bit restrictive, but he agreed to it. It if was not something he could adhere to, he should have spoken up during one of our many discussions about boundaries rather than agreeing to follow it.
We had lots of social plans this weekend - all with our book club friends of course - one of whom is the women he has been a phone/online "Dom" to for at least a month now if not longer. She and I talked one on one, because after I freaked out at hubby, he called her to see "what she had told me". Hmm, sound like someone knows he done screwed up? She told me that what he said of the boundaries in our relationship was simply as long as it was not physical it was ok, and that I did not want to hear details (well, that part is true - I don't want a play by play if and when he has relations with others). She is mortified, scared she has ruined her friendship with me by believing what they were doing was cool by me when it was not, angry at him for misleading her, etc. So it was a very awkward weekend to say the least, but I think we all did a good job of ignoring the elephant in the room so that the gathering as a whole could still be positive and enjoyable by those present.
I find myself today feeling more tired and resigned than angry or sad. I already know I am not leaving him or ending our marriage at this time. He seems to think everything is just hunky dory since he tried initiating sex this morning and I had to bluntly tell him "remember how I said I was going to ignore the issue to enjoy my weekend? well, the weekend is over, and the issue has not gone away". My initial burst of anger burned out pretty quickly - it had to, since I learned of this on my drive home, and I had to be normal happy mommy for my kids when I got home. And then the social stuff and etc.
Today is a quiet day so I find myself with more time to think and I just don't really know what I even want to do about this. Obviously we have to talk about it, but what can i tell him? He needs to stop having these relationships that went against my boundaries? The woman in question from this weekend told me if that is what I decide, we'll still be friends, but will we really? Or will this be a repeat of March?
I'm resentful that yet again, hubby's inability to respect the boundaries he agreed to has thrown drama into my small, hard-earned circle of friends.
I'm resentful that yet again, hubby's desires outweigh my feelings. I feel that he has little to no respect for me.
I'm surprised that I am not more angry, or sad, or upset today. I'm mostly just tired. I guess I'm not really surprised by any of this, and in a way, have waited for it to happen after the March debacle.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.
Me: F, 30's, bi.
Sadist: my fwb. M, 30's.
Pandora: Sadist's gf. F, 30's.