So there was a few upsets this week, but things have eased off a bit now that the woman Dave has been interested in has left town for quite some time. First of all I had a hard time with him coming home late from their last coffee "date" together. He said he was going to grocery shop near the place that they were having coffee and I thought he meant with her. He was late coming home because of it. It turned out that I had apparently got the time wrong. I thought he said "I will be home at 9.30" and he says he said "about 9.30"
I dunno... anyyyy way...
He also got the store name confused and was at the store near our house and not the one near the coffee shop and he was not with her. It took me about a half hour to come down from all that and trust that he was telling me the truth, but I managed to because he buttered me up and attempted to cuddle into me. He was finally being affectionate and comforting without me having to ask for reassurance. I think because he has given it all a bunch of thinking time and is content to remain friends.
My communication skills were a bit better as I told him how I feel, but later launched into sarcasm and accusing. Its so hard to get it right when I feel threatened, fearful, that I am being lied to... I did better than I have so far though and that was good enough for me. Mono also gave me the feed back that I needed to work on it more.
He is more concerned now that he will lose his friendship with her because I am struggling than he is about being any closer. I can't help feeling that I am the cause of their sadness around not being able to hang out, text and email all the time. He says they are sad because they hurt me and that I am struggling, but I find it hard to let go of that.
I don't think he got it until recently that his keeping his connection with her secret could be seen as one way emotional cheating. He thought that he could keep it in, handle it and that it would all be okay as long as he didn't act on it. He might be right. I don't know. He didn't realize though that the way he has been behaving and talking has made this into something big and caused him to re-read his old posts here so that he can remember where he has been with the cheating thing. Remind himself about WHY I might be so concerned and troubled over this.
Later this past week I saw a photograph that indicated a computer screen of Mono's that had a stream of emails on it all from her. There was thread after thread of emails. I was astonished and fell right back again to no trusting him. He never saves emails, he has always erased them all after he has responded to the person. Saving hers was to me covetous of him. I wondered if its because he is holding on to words she has said to him privately, or words he has said privately. I remembered back to our emails and how private they are and envisioned similar messages.
It took me some time to let go of the image and to believe him when he said that it was his work email, not a secret account and that they are not filled with anything but banter and work stuff. I did point out that he usually doesn't save emails and that his behaviour is not that of a "friend." This is when he seemed to realize that I might see his behaviour as "like" cheating.
I got through it more quickly that before though and talked myself down from that place of being on the ceiling, lump in throat, the floor having fallen below me and that numb "stupid" feeling one gets with these sorts of trauma and threat. I am able to get to a place of trust more easily now than before because I have worked on separating myself from him more. I also did better in my communication and felt I made a little more headway there.
This weekend was a school camping trip I arranged for the kids and families of the school. I got our van on the road with much help from others. Especially my new friend.... who I will now call "Ken" as I am not thinking he is as "new" as he once was
. Ken came to the rescue when I got half way there and the engine wouldn't turn over. He kindly came out and fixed it for me. Derby and I were pleased to be on our way after that. He came out to visit for a fire later in the evening. We have been getting along great after a really great coffee chat last week where we discussed that friendship is all we have right now and that that is enough. He would like more, but I explained that really, A good friend is what I am missing in life and what I am looking for in him.
My dating friend.... "Brad" and I haven't seen much of each other in the last while. We saw each other as families last weekend, but not privately. We are having coffee together this week and are all going to his place for a family bbq in a couple of weeks. I miss seeing him, but it turns out that both of us have had some stuff to work through and this time for ourselves has been much needed. We chat every day and phone each other sometimes. It seems to be keeping our relationship in good health thus far. I wonder what more will come. It will be an interesting weekend this weekend as he is about to meet some people from my past who don't know we are seeing each other. I don't know if they know and don't really care, but it makes me a bit nervous. This community is so small in the long run.
Derby has been deep in her emotions lately over a friend of hers. She was working on looking at her emotions and wouldn't you know it, she has had to work hard as of late. She is consumed with all that is going on for her in the last while and I haven't really heard to much from her. I have been contacting her every day though just to remind her that I am out here
Mono and I spent the day at a local music festival yesterday and had a really good time connecting and feeling free with the help of some really good music and beer tasting.
We seem to be on a good track now and he is helpfully telling me whenever the woman contacts him. It has helped to not have to ask. It sounds silly to want to know, but I think, in time, we will get to the point where I won't care. Once I have caught up on what is going on and it all normalizes.
I saw one of her fb messages today and it said what he said it said. I saw it by mistake when I didn't realize he was logged in and I saw her name come up. It was an accident that I admitted to. I didn't read it but could see enough to know the content. Lots of explanation marks and the use of the term "retard." I am very much against that word being used to describe people due to my job with people who struggle with developmental and cognitive disabilities so I could feel myself burning up over it... but pushed that away for the better feeling of "yay, he isn't lying to me!"
Thinking about a funeral for a guinea pig this week
Not fun, but we are all getting by. PN admitted that although he was against the little fellow to start with, he loved the guy and is sad he is gone. LB is just quiet and sad... he has had a good weekend with his friends though and that has helped a little. It was hard for him to come home to an empty cage and all his things put away. We talk of him often and are planning a ceremony soon.