BaggagePatrol - thanks for your thoughts on this. Yup I haven't quite figured this out yet. Am I just not able to admit to myself when I need some space that's mine? I guess I feel most boundaries are negotiable... And I generally tend to err on the side of being open / sharing if the other person wants in. Gotta be good reasons to push up against the door, and without personal experience (usually a bad experience) I don't have that conviction.
That said, I'm taking time to reflect on this before I decide whether or how I'm going to share this blog with my partners.
Had a really strong dream last night. Took me a while to come out of it emotionally. Wrote it up for my dream log so may as well just paste it here.
I'm sleeping wtih Carob. In the early morning I stroke his cock, go down on him and suck him til he's on the edge of cumming... then I stop. Say "sorry baby." "What?" "Sorry remember our deal, if you didn't finsh your CV you don't get to cum without Ella's permission." He's half-asleep, grumbling, tries to make some excuse but fails... giving up he turns to service me and we're part-way through making out when there's a shadow in the doorway. I look up and it's Kanthi (my dad's PA). He has some practical questions to ask me about something. I don't act like I have anything to hide. We talk for a bit, I answer his questions. When he leaves I go back to cuddling Carob. I think "well I guess Kanthi saw me with C, but whatever. I'm doing nothing I'm ashamed of." Spooning Carob, I go to sleep.
In the morning, I go downstairs. My diary is on the sofa and a thick section has been cut out of it. I look closer and it's the whole section of my diary from when Carob and I got together. My ma has cut it out and is keeping it as evidence of things between Carob and I. What? She's out of the house, but I immediately ring her phone to discuss it with her. It goes to answerphone. Maybe she's busy with something else, or maybe she's ignoring my call. I am outraged - that she would go through my personal belongings, and actually take pages out of my diary... She obviously wanted me to see what she had done. But she didn't wait to talk with me about it.
I'm really upset. I go back to the bedroom crying. Carob is still asleep... I wake him up. "Baby, ah..." I make a split second decision to leave the house... "we gotta go, we need to leave here, I can't be with my parents anymore. Will you come with me?" "Yes love" he replies. We're packing up our things. I just can't be fucked with this mindfuckery anymore. I need to cut loose. It's like we're eloping. I'm really upset. Emotionally I'm cutting myself off with my parents from this moment. Don't expect to ever see them again. I think of my online journal (at a poly forum) and I'm glad to have at least that. My physical diary was fairly tame. It did have some personal things in it, but light compared with my online journal. I am looking forward to updating my online journal about this shit, getting support from the poly community there. My ma doesn't know about that journal, I need to keep it as a safe place. There's some hard roads ahead.
I wake up from gut-wrenchingly sobbing in my dream and take a while to adjust that I'm in bed beside Sago, and things are okay between my parents and me. Still feel messed in the head over it. Was intense.
(Quote above from my own dream journal)
We are currently open to talking about our relationships with any friends, co-workers, family etc apart from Sago's parents and my parents. Don't want to deal with that right now. It's going to be hard, especially with my ma. Sago's parents easier than mine, but still hard because of cultural expectations. S and I are both first generation immigrants from South Asia and the disconnect between ourselves and our parents is tricky to negotiate, without hurt. We have loving families, that's for sure, but the cultural estrangement is a real part of the relationship. More so for me than for him, I think. His parents are fairly chilled. Mine are kind and generous but my mother can get a bit twisted over things. She is also strongly religious (Catholic). We have quite similar personalities in some ways and I love her dearly. Just, when we clash... oh boy. I tend to step back from her to avoid meltdowns. I'd rather be able to show love to her than cut myself off from her. Anyway, the dream was, wow. Full-on.
Just as I'd finished writing it up for my dream journal, Carob's ma messages me online to say hi. She doesn't do that very often. We mostly e-mail (infrequently) just to stay in touch, or to arrange to meet up when we have the chance. It was such perfect timing. I shared the dream with her, among other things we chatted about. In the past I've told her how difficult it is to negotiate things with my parents, and how hard it's going to be to tell them about poly stuff (if ever). I've also told her how nourishing it's been for me to have met her, and to be accepted by her and feel like I have that maternal connection even though I'm not able to talk about this stuff with my own mother.
Families mean a lot to me, and I suppose this dream is reminding me how this is definitely on my subconscious mind, even though I've put it aside as a thing to "deal with later" for now.