Still finding the 'letting go' to be difficult. Had a bit of imagery popping in my head (her in bed with others) jolting me from sleep last night. I am meant to be dreaming of how I want my life before I go to sleep, so I do not wake with a head full of crap.
There's progress though. I'm grateful for progress. My focus needs to be on me, and I am really struggling with this - the obsession is not dark but is often in my head trying to figure out how to bargain my way back into M's good graces. Thing is, I am in her good graces, but I'm relegated down to friend and nothing's going to change soon she's spending the coming weekend tramping with the other guy. Thing is, he's relegated to friend too. I think she is too scared to commit as her behaviour has ruined all her previous relationships, and when I took my forgiveness and acceptance back I hurt her deeply. I am not the man she wants at present, she doesn't want a man. She is trying to resign herself to not being serious in any relationships. This makes me very sad. But how much of the sadness is selfishness, and how much genuine caring.
I must come from love, not fear. I must see my life with great love, see me as I truly am, loving, kind, happy, joyous, successful, centred. I really have been thrown off centre but it happened before M arrived.
Thoughts: I cannot get over M.
Errors. Conclusions, Globalising.
I have got over others before and all it took was time and then a shift of focus. grief has stages and bargaining is one of them. Have done the depression anger denial bargaining... possibly circle these a few times more, but the next step is acceptance. I can't be that far away. There is love in my life my neighbours friends and family love me. There is forward momentum in my life. I have both stability and change. Relationship breakups are tough, but most people go through them, and on the other side they meet someone and are even happier than previously (if they learn the previous lessons). I can finally go into relationships now with full knowlege of how to nip jealousy in the bud, how to approach love - my needs first, my self love, and then there is love to share. I have comedy and self care to focus on. I have events to attend and people to spend time with. I will be ok.
Thoughts: I can't keep my focus on myself.
errors: Conclusions, globalising. Ignoring positive.
Analysis: There are long periods where I have been ok here in my own skin. Focus takes practise and as I learn to meditate on what i am grateful for, and what positive things i am doing, and the positive places I am going, there is no need to stay unhappy. It does not matter if M and I were perfect - my malaise is NOT about her. I still get this existential quandary, i still get afraid and alone and lost. The thing is a relationship will not fix me as it is not something lacking externally but internally. That lack is merely self esteem. i need to keep doing the right tihng, building a life, being diligent so that i learn to trust myself, then fear of being alone will no longer be fearful, and alone time can be the joyous contemplative and creative opportunity it should be.