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Old 06-17-2012, 02:21 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

I also can't talk about the kink side of things, but can talk about the dating poly newbies.

I have had three relationships where when I met the person, they had never heard of poly. When I talked to them about it, they seemed interested and curious. So we talked at length about what it would mean, and, while it was different each time, eventually we fell in love.

The relationships lasted from a few weeks to a few years. They were always a challenge - trying to deal with the societal conditioning, and trying to work out what they really felt about poly. There were always struggles with them not respecting my existing relationship and wanting more, more, more. Dialogue between the three of us was very tough, to the point of being dysfunctional.

In the end, each one of them decided that poly wasn't for them. One of them had the decency to tell me straight-out, the others started looking for a "replacement" without telling me (in other words they cheated on me) and THEN dumped me.

It hurt a lot each time, not because they ended up deciding they were mono - I always knew that that was a possibility, it was more the continuous work of the day-to-day of the relationship dynamic and in the two case,s the ugly ways it ended, which were very hurtful for me.

I am in a long-term mono/poly relationship and that takes a lot of work by its very nature. Adding in more doubt and complexity pushed it to the point where some of the time it barely seemed worth it.

Then I met my current OSO, who was poly and "got it" and we have been together for 4 years. It has been FAR easier - she respects my mono partner and my relationship, she "gets it" when it comes to so much of the day-to-day parts of life. She hadn't been in a poly relationship before, but she had done a ton of research and just "got it" on a deep-down level.

I would definitely consider dating a poly-curious person again, but it would have to be at a time in my life where I could handle it, because it is difficult and contains a great risk of being hurt.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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