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Old 06-17-2012, 02:51 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 648
Default Some kind of an apology

Well, as always: Thanks for the comments. Happy that you like what you read and especially happy that you seem to like my jittery picture Distracts me a bit from my migraine, it's really awful today, made me wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning today *sigh* But as I am already awake and sleepless, I could write a little update. Will hopefully be able to sleep some more when the painkillers kick in.

And in regard to our dog: She is doing way better. We ordered some special food for her and it seems to work. Not completely healthy, but she is on the upgrade again.

There has been a 'kind of' apology from my mother. I was over after work to ask for news about her treatment and what next steps they decided to take. First of all: Good news! The smaller knot in her left breast has vanished, the bigger one was remarkably reduced by the chemo. One of her biggest fear was soothed by this as well, because she was afraid of the cancer spreading like in my uncles case. But as it has such a positive effect on the ones in her breast, the risk is small that something else could have survived elsewhere as well. She will always need treatment and regular checks after this, but it looks good right now. As soon as the chemo is through, she will undergo surgery and get her breasts enucleated (I have no idea if this is the right word to use in this context, but it is what basically will happen. Gives me goosebumps *shivers*).

She was in exceptional great mood when she told me about the progress and kept on talking about this and that. Suddenly she stated that she hadn't seen Sward in a while, if he was too busy to come over for a visit like he always does. I paused a minute and thought about the right timing to tell her about how upset some of her comments made us and especially Sward. I decided to at least let her know that there was something off and she should ask Sward for the details personally. As it wasn't my place to tell her about this. She caught 'We were upset' pretty well and asked what the things would have been, that made 'us' upset. That Lin didn't seem to be upset when he had been over to thank her for the present (another little story). That's when I decided to talk to her right there.

I told her that all of us had decided to leave things be for now, as we didn't wanted to excite her further and didn't wanted to discuss emotional topics during a time she was obviously coping really badly with the general news of me being intimately involved with both men. But that there have been some non poly related topics that really hit some nerves.

1. That the comment about me not caring about her or anyone and just doing what pleases me and never looking out for someone other than myself was something that Lin (and I of course as well) was majorly upset about. She said that she never actually 'said' that. Well, maybe it wasn't what she meant, but she surely voiced it like that literally. She said that she was talking about how things never affect me as far as the opinion of others is concerned. As she went on explaining what she had said from her point of view, I realized that she really believed that those words never left her lips in this way or with this meaning. And after making my point (yes, I never cared for the opinion of strangers judging me or my life but how I always care for the opinion of those near to us/me, even if I tend to discuss their point of view in depth when conflicting with mine) I let her be. It was enough to hear that she didn't meant what she said.

2. That Sward has been really hurt by hearing about her view of him as 'a man who isn't able to feed a family' despite him doing everything he can and de facto doing feeding a family right now as the only one being employed full time at the moment. I didn't go in depth there. This was Sward's point to make in my opinion. She explained that she never thought of him as 'incapable' but that she just gets frustrated about him not having enough confidence to leave his current job (she believes his boss to take advantage of him and his abilities, not paying him enough, letting him work overtimes and so on) and look for something better just because he feels inferior because of his bad degree and adjusted final examination because of his dyslexia. That was clearly not what she said. And I believe that this wasn't what she meant either. It surely plays a role but his low-paying job belittles him in her view. I left it at the point of making clear that Sward hasn't come over to visit her because of this comment.

3. And all of us being not pleased by her comment on how dirty we all are, that she doesn't want to rent the flat on the first floor of the front house to us because we would just ruin everything. (I think I didn't talk about that one up to now on here.) That was the moment when I realized that I was still the little girl in her eyes. Yes, I have been messy during my teenage years. Even during the times of Sward and I owning our first flat. Both of us have a slightly messed up sense of order and cleanliness and are perfectly fine with some dust and scattered things. (Those last two points survived till today.) But you surely could call our flat unclean back then. Problem: This was nearly ten years ago. Yes, according to the standard of my mother, we are still far from being perfect. And every time, she discovers some dog hair in the hallway or catches a glimpse of our filled sink (the dishwasher broke shortly after Lin moved in and he tends to do the washing-up every other day) she is right back in those times when we still struggled with housekeeping and the like completely.

Therefore I tried to point out that we changed, that those years aren't reality right now and that we even renovated the whole flat this year. That she liked it. That she said the flat never looked better than right now. That we weren't those teenagers any longer and that we thought about moving into that bigger flat because we will be in need of a room for a little child sooner than later. And that she should know perfectly well, that we are mature and responsible-minded enough to not let a child grow up in unclean surroundings. She thoroughly apologized for this comment and the assumptions being made from her point of view.

All in all this was enough. I wanted her to realize that she didn't acted decently back then and now, she did as much by talking about everything. There are still some things that will come up and back from time to time and I will discuss those, when they arise as a topic next time. But for now, I am satisfied with this outcome. Completely satisfied as soon as Sward and her talking in general. One of the first comments she made when I said that Sward was working too much right now, even being away whole Saturdays was “He isn't trying to escape from the situation at your place right now, is he?” He clearly needs to have a heart to heart with her.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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