That's great feedback Kevin I appreciate the candour. Yes, it can easily swing extreme but that is when the obsession kicks in. I wrote the post in full flight to illustrate how ugly it is. And yes, it is extremely painful. I rarely ever say hurtful things like that to people, it is thoughts, the way it can wind up, venting as well, not reality at all, it's good to vent, I think the dark comedy is a better avenue though. Getting the crap out, losing the junk so I can tune in to my spirit - love.
I am seeing a counsellor. i showed her my model for TEA and my model for my obsession and she said it was great work, and things would swing back into obsession and seem really powerful but if I look at the model i know it is fear, and about me, and the obsession (hate, control, hurt, anger, whatever it is that time) dissapears. Then the fears of course, painful, but nothing compared to what they were, and way less severe than the obsession. All I need to do then is focus on what I want, and how I can improve myself, how i can help myself and others. Then I imagine everything is going to be ok and it is! Magic!
Example: I had my last exam today and it was the tough one - Pathology. Last night though, instead of studying, I was with M. Do I kick myself, say it's bad I neglected my studies. No. I am very scholarly. I say it's fine and I am fine and I go in early to print notes and sit in the sun with them.
Then, a HOT indian woman shows up. This girl is fucking dynamite (and engaged) and she wants help with fungal biology and I'm a bit lost on genetics, and I'm a fungal expert and she's a stats/genetics whiz kid... 3 hours with her and we learned so much each filling the gaps in the others understanding. She told me I was an amazing man, and she's talked about me at length with her fiance and told him how I amaze her - in her culture if a man has not gone to school as a young man he is written off and resigns himself to poverty. How sad!
So, we go to our exam, and her stuff helps me, and my stuff helps her. Not only do I find the help I need, it comes in the guise of a beautiful young woman who admires me, and I get to help her too. If i didn't spend time with M last night I'd have stayed home studying genetics last night and this morning and not learned half as much. It all fell into place. I followed my heart last night and today, have a thought, does it feel good - if yes, do/say that.
Now, my break has begun. I have no excuse to be sad about this! It is time to try and relax, deeply relax, with no heed for mind bending science for 4 whole weeks. RELAAAAX...
Movies, books, exercise, tramping, gardening, meetings, comedy, parties, music, a few days with M, yes, time to unwind.