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Old 12-01-2009, 05:08 AM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 156

wow thanks for all the in depth replies. Its really nice of you guys to really take a look at my situation and give me advice. I realize I will have to do some soul searching. While its true P is quite immature, and unfair at times, I do not think I am ready to leave, in fact I adore spending time with him and learning from him.

Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
What makes him fantastic?
He is always trying to improove his life and i find him to be very inspiring and generally fun to be around...he is gorgeous and great in bed too. Of course I can only compare him to my prior relationship and the two are nothing alike. This time around in my relationship i feel that I am more aware of what I deserve, and can voice my concerns. Its true though I shouldnt be with someone who says things that hurt me. I question if he is truly poly myself even though he knows the ethical slut by heart, goes to poly events and claims his needs could never be met by one person, I know that he has a lot of sex. a lot. and I wonder how much he is just a slut. lol I dont mean that in a bad way.

What made you think he was in love with her? What is his polyamory lecture? Given the choice of your words, it sounds like an undesirable thing.
He talked about her very highly, and when she wasnt around he looked like a sad puppy. when she was around you could see his eyes light up almost (kinda like my ex told me my eyes did when I see P) and he was super crushed when she left...night before she left for cali, P came to visit me in NJ. I was doing really poorly, having suicidal thoughts due to a change in medications and unstable mood. He came over and said "lets go drive to see C before she leaves" C lives 4 hours away. I said okay...I fell asleep in the car and much later P told me he had turned back because it was selfish of him to do this (and it was 3 in the morning. C was to leave around 4am).

that was pretty profound to hear him say.

He would say directly, "Why can't you be more like her?"?
not exactly. more like "Glow you need to be more confident in yourself. confidence is sexy, look at C for instance how she carries herself, she is so beautiful and confident that she can turn everybodys head when she enters a room." or "You are becoming more and more like C everyday" <--just an example. He no longer says stuff like this after I told him it really bothers me that C is C and I am Me!

When one is 20 with a social anxiety disorder and a tendency towards depression, it is easier to look up to people who seem to have their shit together and feel inadequate.
i have been like this all my life oddly since I was about 13 and starting becoming regular on forums on the internet, making internet friends and whatnot every single one of them was older than me. most were males too. everyone is quick to judge but i know they mean no harm to me and I did look up to them and still do. With P, yeah i look up to him, but i def see his flaws a bit better than when we first met. then he was rather perfect haha

But if this man is comparing you to another woman while touting polyamorous ideals and possibly avoiding deeper "baggage", then I'm wondering if he avoids the hard stuff.
me too...

At 20, I had lots of stuff to sort out. Family issues, depression, all kinds of stuff. So, as much as I HATED hearing this at the age of 20, my best advice is to work on yourself. Find the root of your depression and give it a lot of love. Nurture yourself and your own self-confidence. There is nothing this man can do or say to make you feel better about yourself, it must come from within.
so true. i am not expecting that to come from him, but he has helped me tremendously to realize that i can find it within myself. he has told me the exact same thing as you just said in an email once.

Poly isn't something to be because someone you love is. It will be very painful and destructive to your self if you try to fit into a poly box because of someone else.
I have thought about this many times of course. to be 100% honest. I dont know what box I fit. Maybe if I were poly I would know for certain. Then again I am only 20 and have only had one other relationship in my life. I am willing to explore. (then again when P tells me to go talk to other boys...i dont really feel like i want to, could be the social issues though) I know that when I talk to people about polyamory, most people i know say "oh i could never do that. I could never date someone if i knew they were kissing someone else or seeing someone else ect." but I dont have that reaction at all. Yes I get jelous, but I went into this relationship knowing he was poly and wanting to be involved with him anyways. I dont know what this makes me.

I also suggest having a very honest conversation and asking him questions about where he's at because it seems you're unsure.

Thanks for all the great advice I am so glad I finally signed up around here. You all are very supportive and helpful.
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