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Old 06-16-2012, 01:30 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 90
Default Squee!!!

Lovely should be here soon!

The three of us decided that it makes more sense for her to come here than us to go there because we have a huge house and she has a one bedroom apartment.

It's a full house this weekend at our casa. Me, Bear, our three boys, the eldest boy's gf, and then Lovely and her daughter will be here soon. I'm all aflutter!

Sunday is going to be interesting. I was sick on Mother's Day, I didn't even go to church (I'm the pianist). So, we are having a Mother's/Father's Day lunch celebration here because, well, we have the biggest house. So add my parents, my sister, bil and their three children to the mix.

I think I've mentioned before that Sister and BIL know about Lovely. For my parents though, she's "just a friend". If our relationship proceeds to where we decide that we want to handfast then we'll deal with the parents. Basically we'll tell them that we're practicing polygamy. :::shrug::: I don't know... Hell, I'm nearly 42. Maybe it's time I told my parents that I'm gay?

Ok, bi, whatever. I really do think of myself, way down deep inside, as being gay. Even if I do like men. :::shrug::: Who can figure out the human psyche? I just read a letter from a woman to her 15 year old self over on fb about grasping the edge of the sink, looking into the mirror and saying, admitting, "I'm gay." I've been there. I did that. Of course, I wasn't 15. I hid who I am until I was in my late 20's.

So, anyway... at some point if our relationship progresses to the point where we decide to all live together and mingle all facets of our lives our parents are going to notice. My parents are 77 and 80. Bear's mom, who is a pastor (of course, Bear is also ordained though he let his license lapse) is 68.

This isn't something straight people of that generation take well. Not to mention that they'll all tell me that I'm going to hell.

Maybe I just call her my "sister-wife"?

What I really want to do is shout from the mountain tops, "I'm gay!!!!" But I feel that I have a greater responsibility to protect my parents than to be true to myself.

What kind of fucked up world do I live in?

And why am I telling y'all this? Maybe because I feel safe here? And, I do. I feel like there's nothing I can say that y'all are going to judge me for. You will caution me to be careful in this triad, but you won't just tell me that I'm wrong. Though I did feel like I got that a little at first. I understand the why of it, I understand the pitfalls.... but I really don't see myself as a unicorn hunter.

For all that she is "our" girlfriend, there is a deeper relationship between her and Bear than between me and her. But, there is a deeper relationship between Bear and I than either of us have with her. Of course, Bear and I have been together 7+ years. We've been through A LOT together.

This is what "a lot" is: Three months into our marriage I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had surgery. And then I had radiation and chemo. Praise be to God, I came through all of that and have fairly good health despite the long-term side effects of treatment. My vagina is really messed up from the radiation. In addition to having the same issues as a post-menopausal woman that doesn't have sex (even though I do, a lot) I have scar tissue, I tear and bleed. My libido DIED for about three years. I have bouts of "cancer flu". I've recently been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and arthritis that is a direct result of the chemo.

And, to top it ALL off :::::drum roll::: my depression and anxiety issues got worse! Yay!!! Bring on the drugs! (Truly, it's a chemical imbalance. I've been to years of therapy and there's no reason for my personal insanity.)

I'm dealing with aging issues that I didn't think I'd have to face until I was in my 60's. I didn't know this is what my 40's would look like.

However, before you decide that I need a straight jacket and a padded room... I'm a really happy, upbeat person. I am learning to pace myself. I'm learning to delegate responsibility and to be grateful for children that help me clean house. No, it's not like what it would be if I did it (spotless), but it is dusted, it is vacuumed, and swept and mopped...

And what the hell does that have to do with my sexual orientation and the lifestyle I have decided to lead? I have no freaking idea. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing.

Right... triad... relationship.

I don't mind that they have a deeper connection. It bothers him a little though, and he's been pushing us together more. Of course, that's on the phone.

She and I have finally reached the point where we are flirting with each other. We're teasing each other in an overtly sexual manner instead of just acting like giggly girlfriends. Which we are, and that's good. I LIKE my giggle girlfriends. But I'm really glad that there is a sexual component to my relationship with her.

Still, perhaps someday there will come a time when we'll decide to take the next step in our relationship and my parents will notice that something is up. I suppose I'll have to say, "Well, I always knew that I had to hide who I am so I always did. I'm tired of hiding. I'm still who I always was, now you just know."

Squeee!!! She's here! ttyl! : )
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Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
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I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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