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Old 06-15-2012, 10:39 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Part of me agrees that while she's in a fragile state, this may not be the best move for her... but part of me also says that she's a grown-up and should be allowed to make her own mistakes.

In other words, what right do I have to make those decisions for her? If this is a bad move on her part, it's her bad move to make. I truly don't think she would ever turn around and blame him if it ended up messing with her head or something. It's not like he's taking advantage of her, she wants this probably more than he does.

My knee-jerk reaction is that this isn't a good idea. I can't entirely explain why, I've tried to do it anyway, but there are "solutions" to each of my specific concerns.

I think it's basically that I don't want us to get caught in any kind of turmoil. My husband has an excellent sense of where people are at psychologically, so if he thinks it would be fine then it probably would be... but I keep bringing up things to which he responds "hmm, I didn't think of that" so I'm not sure he's thought through all the possibilities...

It probably won't amount to much ongoing anyway, because he's already feeling drained just driving the extra hour each way to get to work, staying up later than he normally would, and giving up his solitude "me time" in order to be there supporting her. He's done a lot of counselling to cope with his codependency, and he's learned the value of protecting himself, and that he can't help people when he's hanging on by a thread.

One thing is clear to me: if this goes ahead, we need to plan for contingencies. It's not enough to just plan on them not happening, we need to decide how to handle whatever emotions might come up. It's been years since she's had sex with anyone but her abusive ex, and despite what they both believe, I can well imagine it bringing up some difficult emotions. My husband doesn't really have the energy right now to support someone in a total breakdown.

New thread started for the "what if" because I want to separate it from the "whether."
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-15-2012 at 10:51 PM.
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