Short version: they've never had sex, and I'm apprehensive that she could develop feelings for him that he is not capable of returning. That could make things weird and ruin our friendship. This is all compounded by some bad starts to open and honest communication (which I forgot to mention before and am now going to add to my original post).
His penis has never been out of his pants when they've played, and it's always been in public. He put on a fisting workshop once and she was his demo. With a room full of "students" it was all very clinical and not at all sexy... and yet it was still weird between she and I afterwards. They played one other time at a fetish ball, and it was only spanking. So we're definitely entering new territory here.
My husband is not polyamorous, he just likes sexual variety. He has absolutely no desire for anything but fucking, nor does he have time and energy for an additional romantic relationship. Because of how he is, the possibility of them getting romantically involved is right off the table. I guess I'm apprehensive that she could develop feelings for him that he wouldn't return, and that our friendship would get caught in the crossfires. She's one of 3 people, not including my husband, that I really consider to be a close friend, and I can't afford to lose that over a few rolls in the hay... not when there's so much other cock and pussy out there, if it's really "just sex."
Obviously, an arrangement like this (best friend with husband) can only work out if everyone is open and honest. That's already off to a bad start for two reasons:
1. They had "sexually charged cuddling" for two nights in a row before the question of sex was discussed with me. He waited until he knew there was the possibility of sex happening. My husband's take was that if nothing was going to happen, why cause me distress by bringing it up? We've discussed that now, and he understands that I would rather have had a false alarm with full disclosure than to have been kept in the dark, but it still sounds my warning bells.
2. She's a terrible communicator. We were all trying to talk about this last night, and she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear so that I would give the go ahead. For example, I mentioned my concern about feelings developing. She just said "well, that won't happen. It didn't happen last time, why would this be any different?" I find that attitude naive. Afterwords, in private conversation with my husband, he admitted that her body language did not match the words coming out of her mouth. I don't feel like I can trust her to admit it if she starts to have feelings for him, because she knows it would put an end to the arrangement. I would basically be putting all my trust in my husband's ability to read her and stay ahead of any fallouts, and if that doesn't work out, it could damage my trust in him, which would be awful.
I'm the kind of person who learns from the mistakes of others. I'm not naive enough to believe that we're above those risks just because we're more informed and rational. If I had a crystal ball and I knew there would be no fallouts to my friendship or marriage, then I wouldn't be worried at all. But I've seen far too many horror stories on here where people went into things planning on it being casual or whatever, and then things blew up, relationships were destroyed, friendships lost. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
I am who I am. I don't need labels to define me. They're sticky, and I hate the glue they leave behind.
Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-15-2012 at 07:44 PM.