Thanks again Kevin
I won't read the last post as it is filled with obsession and i don't need to be thinking those things. I left it there as an example of what the obsession is - the reality is it thinks in absolutes, uncompromising, hurt, angry, pain, darkness. It just wants to hurt others because I got hurt. It is a hurt child. It is horrible, it is of me, but it is not me.
All things are possible. I don't hate M - sometimes though it gets too much to bear, and yes you are right distance is probably my best bet but... she will be in my life for several months yet we are both bio majors. and she may even wind up in the same postgrad programme as me. So really, there's loads of time to repair if she wants to, but the friendship thing should definately remain intact. I get really fucked off when my male friends are useless too, this isn't about love, it is ego demanding the world jumps when I say I guess, and me not having my boundaries listened to. If i didn't set these expectations up, I wouldn't get hurt all the time.
I'm still afraid of being alone. I really am worried about having a month off. How fucking crazy is that I've been working myself ragged and I am afraid to have time out as M wont be holding my hand. DAMN.
I guess I better think about this it's happening very soon. I have a couple of comedy shows to attend, a party, and I can go to some meetings and soak up a bit of spirituality. I have gardens that could do with some tending, and the house would appreciate a bit of attention too. I can get hold of my roadie bosses and make them aware I'm available for a while too. That will take care of a quarter of it. The danger time is weekdays when nobody else is around.
I have been contemplating all this darkness, and how I can use comedy as a cartharsis e.g. ....
I'm having trouble readjusting back into society as I have just been released from a long period of confinement - she said she doesn't love me anymore. she said she only pretends to like rough sex so she can punch me in the face. She was a wild woman, she drove too fast, drank too much, and fucked other men. every cock in her mouth was a dagger in my heart.
Fuck yes that is sooo dark, yet rather good. I might be onto something here. It's better than writing sad poems! I have been through so much in my life, perhaps it is time to use this experience to help others face their darkness and laugh at it. Obsession, depression, the stuff of comedy gold - surely!
Hmm, time off. I can read books, I love reading books and haven't read a novel in years. I can relearn my guitar (very rusty) to augment stage time as pro shows come in again. I can get SERIOUS with my weight set and diet, and go back to school looking better than most the 20 somethings.
Oh yes, yesterday I sat down to have a cigarette, talked to a workman and a young lady joined in. The workman left and an hour and a half later Natalie and i (still talking) both realised we'd best get back to our respective studies. I was amazed at how smoothly and easily i conversed with this girl and I was being cheeky, had no outcome dependance, and really enjoying myself. No liquor, no dutch courage, no problem, no fear.
ANYTHING is possible. I have not thrown my toys out of the cot with M. It was very close last night with the letter and this morning I myself was endangered with crippling thoughts and feelings. BUT - Igot up, did my best. Exercised, eating, studying with others. I did the EFT on forgiveness, and more on letting go.
I need to let go of outcome dependance. This way I might make plans without my ego chiming in on what's 'good' for me.
Anything is possible. Me an M heal our friendship and nothing but ashes remains of all this crap. I get a new lady who loves me and sticks with me. no offense to polyamory, but given the choice, being mono...
I get into the pro circuit and my social life goes through the roof. I still got university too, 40 000 pupils, bound to be a few cute ones in their 30's e.g. Natalie. I love it up there I easily slip into a conversation with the 20 somethings as in that environment it is your brain, not your age or social status, that pulls weight. It is wonderful to be surrounded by so many beautiful young minds (and bodies). I have had offers from girls in late 20's but too young, and I don't need a young woman running circles round me a 30 something proved more than I bargained for. What I'm saying is there are infinate possibilities if i only open my eyes and mind to them.
I truly hope tomorrow morning is not a repeat of today. But even if it is, there will come a day (soon) when I wake up ok with all this. Time heals fast when you work at it.
Really appreciate the support and advice as usual. It is a hard time, but nothing is over, life is just beginnig a new chapter in which i no longer play the victim, and become my own hero.
Holy shit she's coming over. Wish me luck, and love only without agenda...