An excerpt from a letter.....
Ranger and I share this insane communication, and we've been talking about the ways that our hearts are affected by our partners wanting that opening up, and our ensuing opening up. Here is an excerpt from a letter to him today:
I'm struggling in ways that I never anticipated that I would, and it's sort of scary for me. I guess, in my life, that I never really felt that I would find "the one". It seemed to me that it was a ridiculous idea, saved for fairy tales and myths. Something about (Elemental) awoke my heart in a way that I had never experienced before - it was like it just KNEW that this was the man for me. He wasn't the "easiest" man for me to choose, but he was definitely the right man for me. I finally felt like I was no longer holding anything back in a relationship - some pretty intense experiences with heartbreak in my earlier loves had left me somewhat guarded and removed from relationship. Over the past five and a half years I have learned to trust (Elemental) in a way that I love so very, very much. When I asked to open up our relationship, it was exclusively for the threesome experience - it never dawned on me that it would morph/evolve into the place that it sits now. The way that things have unfolded are a novel unto themselves - could lie on my back and tell you about it sometime, but I have a feeling that if I was lying next to you, that we wouldn't be doing a whole lotta talking LOL. I guess the thing that surprises me is how much it has damaged my heart to know that (Elemental) desired this independent relationship with (Sync). I seem unable to make peace with it. I am not sure if that's because of earlier sneakiness and dishonest behaviour that he chose to engage in with her earlier this year/last winter, or because she was my first female love, or because I just simply don't want to share him - but whatever it is, I am alarmed by the sadness and upset in my heart that comes in unpredictable waves. I guess I believed our love was unshakeable and could never be penetrated by anyone else. I had completely stopped thinking about other men, and was so in love with (Elemental). In this way I feel like you and I share a common experience - as I listened to you talk of your love for (Ranger's Wife), it was like you were reading transcripts from my thoughts, and it left me with a lot to think about.
My concern is that we will break what we have. I no longer believe that (Elemental) and I will be together forever. I am making changes inside of my heart to be with other men that I am really starting to care a great deal for. I am starting to want to make changes in my life. It seems dangerous to me, and I don't know where it will end up. I know that I will walk step by step next to (Elemental) as he makes choices in his relationship with (Sync) - I too have manifested lovers, and found a man that I respect in some very core ways in you, and a man that makes me very curious and shifts my perspective about a lot of life in (Mischief). These relationships are starting to remind me of potentials in life that I had all but put in the vault of ancient history, and bringing them into the light makes me question the fabric of my relationship with (Elemental) in ways that terrify my heart. I feel like a scared child inside of myself, and it worries me so very much that my heart will decide that it's just too painful, and walk away from (E) in the end.
Because I won't control people in my life - I won't say "No" to him when he wants this bond with (Sync). I am not his mother, nor his keeper, and if he wants this.... anything really, in his life, I will strive to stand beside him and support him in his choices. I feel like a masochist and a fool in the midst of this act of honouring my own values mind you - I am not purposely trying to martyr myself, but at times I view myself in that harsh light too. It's not what I want on so many levels - nothing in our relationship was lacking for me - I was committed in such a deep way that I truly believed that he would be the last man that I would ever be with in my life. I had all but forgotten the pull that I have with other men - the way that I awaken them, the way that they awaken me, the intense connections that are just waiting to be plucked out of another human being, and the way my heart extends to them in humility and respect for the awe that they enliven in me. Do I want to remember these things? What will happen to (E) and I during that process?
I have experienced "a switch" in my heart before - a moment in time where I make a choice, and stick with it. Where I choose to walk away from one life, and make another one. There is a limit that exists in myself, and while I can feel it coming from far away, it's a potential mirage. I never know if I am going to walk into reality, or for how long it will remain something in the distance. Once it happens, it is final for me though. The way that I hurt right now, and the way that this continues is a dangerous combination. And while I know I can dissect and do away with these feelings.... I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I don't know if I want to watch our love unravel into dust right in front of my eyes. I don't know if I can - to gouge out that innocence in my heart that I seem to have refound in my love for (Elemental).
I love my life so much, and that's what I keep on doing - living each day to brighten my soul and give of myself in all of the ways that I know how. To return to the rhythm and pace of my own body in the evening - feet pounding the trail and limbs stretching into the familiar embrace of asanas that trace years of my history in their simple movements. Rubbing Frankincense and Lavender into my skin and touching myself with hands filled with light and love, bringing peace to my heart and sinking into a rich state of meditation and stillness - returning to my heart each evening and remembering the stillness inside of my during times that feel so emotionally chaotic I seem to have reverted to being a toddler. I soothe myself, and refuse to buy into the kneejerk reactions - the crawling back to safety from the ledge of my reality right now. I reconnect with the quiet inside that rocks my soul back to the centre and reminds me of my wholeness and my courage, dependent on no one but my own relationship with myself. Any love that you look for to fill that space will never, ever do the trick - if I am not full of my own love, if I do not fill those jagged edged chasms that open in the wake of this pain in my heart, I will find ways to destroy myself - raw to the world, there is only panic and protection, and I live my life by neither creed. And so, my own love is the base, and I return to it over and over in these confusing times.
Last edited by nycindie; 12-28-2013 at 10:18 PM.