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Old 06-14-2012, 03:01 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Talula
Posts: 589

Thanks, CielDuMatin!

Yes, I think you are right about taking it slow and letting him process things. I am trying to do just that. I did go on my first official date on Tuesday and it was a lot of fun and we really clicked.

Last night we had an issue to deal with and it stems from me having more time at night (he is out of town two to three nights, sometimes more, every week) to explore things online. It results in me being miles ahead mentally on a new shiny and then having to retrace my steps to get back to where I started when I try to bring him into my new bright and shiny. I'm also the type that researches things in depth when my attention is caught. And I'm more than willing to leap from online to RL to continue on my quest. This week I revealed that I had met someone from the online world in early Spring to discuss poly and nonmonogamy without his knowlege. Let's just say he's sick of my surprises and springing things on him, and he's upset with my risk taking.

And I am tired of living like that. I want to be more transparent and open with him. I think we are close enough now that I feel I can do that, however, my actions aren't always a reflection of that. Old habits are hard to break. And I can't always trust that he's going to be receptive. I need to trust more and accept that sometimes what I want may not be in my or our best interest.

I'm so sick of me and that I do things this way. I never knew what a project I'd become when we started working on our relationship last year. LOL. Gak. On the surface I'm easy going and easy to live with, but below the surface I'm always entertaining myself and that can lead me down some paths that aren't so noble. When things get rough due to the opening up I question why I am pursuing it. Do I really need it? Is it just another thing that sounds cool and is tempting? And then I remember all the subterfuge and I know that in order to live ethically and fully I do need to take this path. And I remind myself of the closeness that comes as a result of being open and sharing things I once would have kept private. There are many benefits, but it really does take work.

Thanks for the welcome and I'm sure this forum is going to be very helpful.
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