WHAT am i DOING....?!
i'm not sure i'm even in the right place. i can be easily tossed about by heavy emotional storms....there's been a lot happen since i've been here a couple weeks ago.
quick recap for my own sake: for two years now i've been more or less coupled with Z, a man who has since become my closest friend, with whom i'm not and never have been in love, but whom i love very much. the progression of our relationship from "just friends" to "sexual friends" happened quickly and coincided with the end of my last relationship with a longtime friend of his, J.
Z and i have had our extreme ups and downs, but for the most part we are pretty level in our relationship at this point. i can't see us not staying at this level of friendship - admittedly, i'm afraid of such a rift occurring between us - because ours is the first male/female friendship i've ever really had where i can talk to him about absolutely anything, and even though voices may get raised and we may not come to a total understanding on whatever subject, he has caused me to believe in the deepest part of me that he won't abandon me as a friend. we may go back to being "just" friends; we may anger each other or not talk for a few days; but even when these things happen, we miss each other's presence. i appreciate him for his acceptance of the parts of me i don't want just anybody to know about; the parts i'm not proud of; the immature and childish parts.
to say: we're solid as friends.
i was in love with J, my ex, for a long time. even as we were breaking up two years ago, i may still have been in love with him. but i knew i couldn't really even attempt living a freer lifestyle while with him, so - break both our hearts though it did - i left. the fact that i hooked up with a mutual friend in the meantime was the match that lit the house on fire, causing The Fallout.
since then, J and i have been able to talk some and level quite a bit. but we both still love each other and sometimes it seems avoidance is the best tactic, esp at points when, say, we're hanging out at his house and playing video games, and time comes for me to leave, but i'd really rather stay the night with him, and just snuggle up to him and hold him tight all night like we used to. he can be lonely and depressed...and so can i. we were good medicine for each other's abandonment issues to be sure.
i love one of these men - Z - as my closest and best friend. we're often great with each other in bed, too. and we love snuggling each other. he's mono - book open and closed - but he's agreed to basically let me do whatever my heart leads me to do, because he knows i need this time in life to do just that, as long as i am blatantly honest with him about everything i do, whether before or after. i trust him completely; he is a rock for me, and we sharpen each other "as iron sharpens iron."
i love the other one - J - because i fell in love with him at a point when he was really low, and i found the goodness and softness of his heart before i realized i was physically attracted to him. in him i feel that "home" that stems from an intuitive recognition of the similarities in how we grew up, our "programming," all i see in him of my father, and how safe and cared for he makes me feel. he felt like "home" from day one....i just had to grow up and leave home to do other things, too.
problem is...the latter pretty much hates the former at this point because of how things went down, and the former has long since stopped trying to communicate or repair their friendship at this point because of the latter's constant refusal to reciprocate. there is nothing i can say or do to change this right now.
i've spent the past two years splitting my heart and soul between a) trying to put some of my focus on figuring out and digging into things i truly want; b) trying to be good to Z; and c) trying to repair any semblance of friendship/relationship with J.
initially there was a lot of pain, confusion, and general hell. two years later, i've gained strength, direction, clarity, courage, and sense of self. now i am happy...for the most part.
but i find i can't let J go in the deep parts of me, nor do i find the desire in me to latch onto and couple up with Z like i once did J.
these men are mono.
i DO get jealous, but i do love them both. i don't want to be owned. and as a result, even though i'm human and have my own programming to deal with, i'm willing to reciprocate. at least to try.
i am finding that my own poly identification is more on the emotional side than the sexual. i don't need more sex in my life. once in a while - maybe once a month - i awake with a real appetite for it. otherwise, it's a part of my life that i enjoy because i can please someone i love SO much with it.
(that's part of the reason Z decided to basically open our relationship FOR me, i think: he is very happy with what is between us, and after both of us solemnly mulling over one of my crazy, toeing-the-line, pressure-release-valve nights with friends several weeks ago, he sat me down and told me, "you do absolutely anything you truly want to do in the moment, because i don't ever want to take that away from you - i love the freedom of the creature you are. just be very honest with me about all you do, because as long as we are sleeping together, it all involves me." he knew that if i did not have this freedom, i would have to leave.)
a few months ago, when Z and i decided basically to change our "working title", i started hanging out more with J. we talked some about what was between myself and Z, both because he asked and because i felt he needed to know the truth.
in the past few years, i've gone from being a tell-you-as-little-as-i-can-get-away-with girl to a tell-you-way-too-much-unless-you-stop-me, because i was hiding things, lying, omitting, bending the truth. and it hurt people i loved, as well as myself. NOW, you get all you can take hearing from me until you shut me up or draw the line.
well, apparently J wanted to know, but he wanted to hear what he wanted to hear, too. for a while, we were talking daily, and hanging out once a week. then it slacked off...once it was apparent that i wasn't going to simply swing back into the ways of the old relationship we'd had, that if there was going to be anything between us, it was going to be a very different thing and require a lot of bending, working out, talking out, etc. eventually i didn't hear from him much.
it's not what he wants.
after it being weeks, maybe a month, since we exchanged more than a one-line text, i texted him today. got no reply. called him this evening, and he more or less flamed on me. told me without a doubt that he loves me and hates making me cry, but he can't stand the fact that i'm with Z, and probably couldn't stand it if i was with anyone else. that he loves me, misses me, misses having a friend who will really listen and sympathize, misses the way he could talk to me; the way we'd hold each other....
he felt like i got his hopes up. when i felt like i was telling him the truth about what was going on.
blah blah blah, i'm making myself cry again.
about once, sometimes twice a month, my missing him - that longing and wondering if our relationship had truly run its whole course - swells up in me and overwhelms me. and i'll make some contact with him, usually enough to feel okay and tell myself that we're okay as friends and we truly do care about each other, and then it'll die down enough and i'll get busy enough with life and Z and things i enjoy that i don't think too much about it....and then it'll swell up in me again.
lately i've found a little more of that fatherly/home sense in Z...but i feel like i'm trying to substitute. ugh.
so much for working polyamory. LOL pretty lame, huh? =/ feel like i'm going about things all wrong.
trying to make the best of it by throwing myself into creation mode with all this raw fodder...