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Old 06-13-2012, 04:48 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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I'm going to give you this from a poly-mindset perspective. I am in a reolationship with a monogamous person, so very much know where you are coming from - so my answers are NOT trying to put you down or disrespect your fears, just giving it from a poly-0wired perspective, since your gf self-identifes as poly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she truly IS poly. I really don't think she is because she never engaged in activity like this before me.
So how did she realise that she is poly? Is it posisble that she just hasn't acted on these feelings in herself before, because of the circumstances of her prior relationships? Only she can really answer these questions, though. I acted monogamous for a significant part of my life, before realising that it just wasn't me and that there was another way. People grow and change. Perhaps she has, too?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she will leave me for P.
As a poly person, this absolutely does not compute. If she is poly then she doesn't have to choose one of you over the other - she can have both! She might well leave you, if your relationship isn't working, but it won't be because of her relationship with P it'll be because of your relationship. This is absolutely one of those "does not compute" when it comes to poly folk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she will ask me for an open relationship so she can explore this with P, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
What emotions are going to come out of that? If she is poly and has fallen for P, then she will feel very constricted if she does not feel that she can have a relationship with both of you. I think that you need to understand a lot better what your emtions are going to be in connection with this. Post them here if this will help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she will ask me to explore a physical relationship with P for a short time, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
If she asks, you can refuse. You can control what your own relationships look like, which ones you choose to have, and which ones you don't. She needs to respect that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That if those fears come to pass, how to tell my kids that they're losing a sibling. that will crush them, and the things that can crush them absolutely devastate my soul.
Is this any different from a fear that the relationship won't work out between you in general?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
Also that I know beyond any doubt, that I will never be able to love anyone else in my life. I know that seems extreme and emotionally driven and very much so NOT rational.
You are monogamous. This is a very natural thing to feel as a monogamous person, and you should own that and be proud of it! Nobody should force you to ever love anyone else. They need to respect you and your relationship choices in the same way that you are expected to respects hers.

All of these fears ARE rational from your perspective - I have heard them all before, believe me. So much of the poly mindset triggers "but.. but..." reactions in a monogamous person.
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