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Old 12-01-2009, 02:11 AM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
I met a fantastic man who is poly.
What makes him fantastic?

Of course I didnt know if I was seeing him or what, his facebook status said single untill recently.
I would recommend asking straightforward questions. Nothing like getting the truth from the horse's mouth.

He met a girl who I really liked a while ago about a month after we started seeing each other, I felt like he was in love with her. If he was he wouldnt admit it because he only uses the word love when giving his polyamory lecture.
What made you think he was in love with her? What is his polyamory lecture? Given the choice of your words, it sounds like an undesirable thing.

He would tell me to be more like her, some times that I was more and more like her everyday.
He would say directly, "Why can't you be more like her?"?

Last night after I went to him because things were really bad, a friend of mine was serious about suicide....after we were talking he told me "I dont think our relationship is going to last" because I am instinctually drawn to troubled people, people with depression, friends who are suicidal, people who hurt themselves. and he is non of those things. He said I dont think we have anything in common. I pointed out to him that I love that about him because it makes me more hopefull, more confident and feel better about myself and my life, and all the things we have in common in spite of his remark.
When I was 18, I was dating a man who was 25 and often said things to me about how I was at a different "status" than him, (I was just out of high school and he was doing his Masters degree). He criticized how shy I was, told me that when I was his age, I'd understand and other such bullshit.

At the time, I resented anyone telling me what to do, but I will say this for myself, I will never allow anyone to demean me that way again. When one is 20 with a social anxiety disorder and a tendency towards depression, it is easier to look up to people who seem to have their shit together and feel inadequate.

But if this man is comparing you to another woman while touting polyamorous ideals and possibly avoiding deeper "baggage", then I'm wondering if he avoids the hard stuff.

and he replied "I want you. but do you want me?" I replied of course, because i reeeally like this man. but his reply confused me. I felt relieved but simply confused.
I'm also wondering if he's worried that you will not be attracted to him because he perceives that you prefer people with "problems".

At 20, I had lots of stuff to sort out. Family issues, depression, all kinds of stuff. So, as much as I HATED hearing this at the age of 20, my best advice is to work on yourself. Find the root of your depression and give it a lot of love. Nurture yourself and your own self-confidence. There is nothing this man can do or say to make you feel better about yourself, it must come from within.

Poly isn't something to be because someone you love is. It will be very painful and destructive to your self if you try to fit into a poly box because of someone else.

I also suggest having a very honest conversation and asking him questions about where he's at because it seems you're unsure.
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
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