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Old 06-12-2012, 11:07 PM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451

Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That being said, if after 3 weeks, we return to status quo with the two of them acknowledging that they can't be more than friends, I can absolutely marry A without an ounce of pain in my heart.
Really? That seems hasty.

There are two separate questions you may be conflating:

1. Is A polyamorous? Or, at least, is she is ready to commit to monogamy?


2. Could an intimate relationship between P and A work out?

Now, suppose they have a face-to-face encounter, three weeks from now, within whatever boundaries you all agree on. What could they conclude from that encounter?

Even if they end up answering question 2 in the negative, that has no direct bearing on the answer to 1. I've tried to make this point before: even supposing her connection with P dissipates, there's nothing to say this wouldn't happen again, maybe in just a few years, unless she has really worked out an answer to 1.

And, really, it seems implausible that P and A could come away from their encounter with any sort of definitive answer to 2. It takes time to develop relationships, and time to determine whether they can work out.

I'm very much so doubting that A is poly at all. I honestly think that this is subconscious sabotage... she's admitted this pattern before and suffers from, at times, severe depression.
The thing is, she may need time and space to work this out before she commits herself to a long-term monogamous relationship with you. Your doubt about her polyamory does not add up to certainty about her monogamy.

Getting the vow from her lips and the ring on her finger before she's ready to settle the question would be ill-advised, if not actually cruel. If that would be a victory for you, it's one that seems likely to turn to ashes.

I have to go with Anneintherain on this one: given the circumstances, it makes a lot of sense to postpone the wedding while you all sort these things out.
the cake is a lie
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