View Single Post
  #3  
Old 06-12-2012, 10:15 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

A lot of this echoes what tonberry already wrote, but still...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
So, my girlfriend expressed recently that polyamory is something that she'd be interested in exploring. We're currently in a monogamous relationship, which was mutually decided when we started dating. Now, I'm completely monogamous, but I also don't want to deny her what may be a crucial part of her identity.
I really applaud that. So many couples only want to see growth in their partner when it's within certain very safe boundaries, this probably pushes the boundaries way beyond where you thought they should be. That takes courage and dedication.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
I'm reluctant to open up the relationship, though, as previous experiences I've had in open relationships have ended horribly.
So it's very important that you take this slowly. Baby steps so that you have the maximum time to adjust.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
We haven't talked much on the subject yet, since, I'll admit, this is a little out of my depth and I was hoping to get some guidance/pick up some more information before we come to any sort of agreement.
One of the main issues here is that there are many forms of poly - and the approach to each is very different. She may not know exactly what she wants, either, yet, but the more you know....


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
I know I have some basic "requests" (for lack of a better word), but I don't know how fair my requests are to her and don't want to unintentionally create a double standard (though, there may already be one because I have no intention of seeing other people ?)
That is absolutely NOT a double-standard! There are quite a few folks in so-called mono-poly relationships. Double-standards are when you both want something, but only one person is willing to grant it to the other, and the other forbids it. What you are talking about is dealing with and exploring differing desires when it comes to relationship structure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
We'll, here they are:
1. That I be her primary partner
As Tonberry said, that term can mean different things to different people - you are going to need to clarify what you mean by that. If you need some prompting with questions to help you resolve this, just ask here, and we can help...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
2. I want to know who she goes out with/if she starts dating someone else and that they know about me.
That is perfectly reasonable - it is also perfectly reasonable for you to require to meet the person before anything happens, and have a part in the discussion about whether or not the person is good relationship material or not. (Some folks like to do this last part, others do not). Some people go even further and ask for VETO power, but that is a topic of a lot of debate on poly discussions about how healthy that really is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rara View Post
3. Somehow I'm more comfortable with her dating other people than sleeping around, but if she were to keep multiple sexual parters then to wear protection and get regular std tests.
That is part of a so-called "Fluid bond" that you and your partner need to explicitly discuss. In addition to what you have written, you can be very specific about the acts that require protection - any form of penetration is usually a no-brainer, but what about oral sex? it's really important that this gets discussed BEFORE anything happens. Also, what are the procedures if a condom breaks,l or if for some reason, protection isn't used. The more you can get this sorted out (and maybe written down), the easier it is to deal with when something DOES go wrong.

The other question that you need to think about, since you have spoken mostly about sex, is how you are going to feel when she falls in love with someone. What sorts of reassurances do you think you are going to need to make sure that your insecurities don't go "off the rails" and manage to make everyone miserable.

I hope this helps a little - please feel free to ask whatever clarifying questions you like - we're here to help and exchange knowledge and experiences.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote