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Old 06-12-2012, 07:40 PM
greenchild90 greenchild90 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
He really claims to be polyamorous? What does he understand that to mean? Has he told you, or has he just assumed you'd know what it meant?
Could he be using it as an excuse to fuck around? Do you know that she is monogamous?
I know that my friend is monogamous. She has extreme jealousy with the idea of sharing a partner. She does not even like it if I cuddle with him on the couch watching a movie. She considers that "physical intimacy".
He has told me that every partner that he has had in his life, he still loves, even if they are not physically together anymore. They now have a part of his soul, he says, forever. And if any one of them were to come back into his life, and want a relationship with him, he feels he could not turn them away because he loves them so deeply.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
In a few days? That seems quick! Do you know what kind of commitment they have to one another? Do you have reason to suppose he divulged any of this to her? Have you asked about it?
It was indeed a whirlwind romance. The same night we met him, the three of us & a few other friends all met up at a 24-hour diner & we were joking amongst ourselves that it was as if they had already been together for 5 years! That's how much they were "into each other". Within the first week they had hooked up.
Now when they had first met, my friend had gotten out of a heavy relationship, & she was in the mood to mingle, so to speak. She was talking about all these guys she had talked to on online dating sites, and how she was going to have multiple sex partners (separate from one another), and how she was going to live freely, and so on. But as soon as she met him, she pulled a 180. All of a sudden she was all about him, ONLY HIM. And in her eyes, if he has free time, it should be spent with her. She was even "confused" why he would want to hang out with any of us (her other friends) WITHOUT her. If he wanted to hang out with our other friend's boyfriend because he thought he was a cool dude & wanted to get to know him as a friend, she would think, "Well why can't I be there too?" I know this because she told me exactly this on many of our driving-in-the-car conversations.
This amount of clingy-ness was driving him up the wall. He told me so. He says he needs his space. He's content with seeing her once or twice a week & having the rest of the time to himself. (He also works 5 days a week, early morning to late afternoon). But she wants to be there every day, going out, doing things, even if it's just aimlessly driving around, and he hates that. Most of the time he wants to either stay home, or have a specific activity to do, that he (preferably both of them) enjoys doing.
He has told me that 3 months is too soon for it to become a "serious relationship" for him. He does not think it's appropriate for them to be "serious" yet. But she is all chips in. She's stuck like glue. (Except for the fact that now she'll be gone most of the time on her new job...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
Again, you seem to be making a lot of assumptions here. You seem to have gone ahead and acted without knowing crucial things about the other two, lulled further into carelessness by alcohol.
I was intoxicated. We all agreed it was a stupid, STUPID mistake, after the fact. And by the time the act was done we were all sober & quite a bit ashamed.
Again, in another driving conversation days later, she confessed to me that the image of him having sex with me was haunting her mind. And that hit me in the gut. I felt so awful for having done that to her. But at the time, she had been there, saying something like, "Yeah, go on, I want to watch." She's completely different when she's drunk. (We've all agreed never to get drunk around each other again.) She also confessed to me that she had suggested all this because she thought it was what HE wanted, so she was doing it for him, and putting on a smile, because she thought if he got it out of his system he wouldn't bug her about it anymore... (I'm thinking: "What.. the fuck.") But on other occasions after this, she would make snide jokes about me & him hooking up, and/or use it against him in arguments (as he would vent to me about it).

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
Feelings aren't everything. The fact that you're swept up in emotion for this guy does not mean you have to act on that emotion. In fact, the intensity of the feeling should make you even more cautious about choosing and acting.
This is the most difficult thing for me. Whenever I hear from him, whether by text or call, or see him in person, all my emotions rush up again. And when I try to suppress them, it consumes my mind even more, and I get depressed because I can't have him. I know it's an unhealthy reaction, but I don't know how to change it...

But since yesterday, when he told me they were talking about me, I cut off most of my contact with everyone. I deactivated my Facebook account (a horrible addiction, I might add). I've been offline from IM programs. Only one friend has texted me (not the one involved) and she's the one I lied to. I know if I confirm their suspicions and tell them what's really going on, I'll lose everyone (except maybe him). I don't want that. I'm going to back off and let things fizzle out, die down. And I'll try to come back fresh.


Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
As harsh as some of this sounds - and there are others here who will be even more blunt than I've been! - I think this forum may be a safe place for you to figure some of this out.

If nothing else, you can find models here for healthy and happy relationships involving more than two consenting adults, which may help you to understand all the ways in which cheating with your best friend is neither healthy nor likely to make you happy.
I really, REALLY appreciate your advice. It has not been harsh, but it has been real, and honest. Blunt, you might say, yes. Necessarily so.

I know what we've been doing is wrong & unhealthy & I hope to salvage it in the future. I hope that someday I can have a healthy relationship... Haven't had one yet in my young life. *sigh*
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