My fears, in no particular order:
- That she truly IS poly. I really don't think she is because she never engaged in activity like this before me.
- That she will leave me for P.
- That she will ask me for an open relationship so she can explore this with P, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
- That she will ask me to explore a physical relationship with P for a short time, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
- That if those fears come to pass, how to tell my kids that they're losing a sibling. that will crush them, and the things that can crush them absolutely devastate my soul.
- Also that I know beyond any doubt, that I will never be able to love anyone else in my life. I know that seems extreme and emotionally driven and very much so NOT rational.
of these fears feel rational. I truly feel the cause for her 'cold feet'/freakout/self destruction stems from the pain I caused her during the affair I had with her and that my divorce is not yet final. (matter of a couple weeks, I should have the divorce certificate, but it's not final until then)
She needs some distance from me in order to get past that and this is a perfect way to do it. This might not even be conscious, but when I brought this up last night, she appeared to have a lightbulb moment.
So I'm concentrating on the positive, continuing to live our life together. I'm envisioning still marrying this beautiful, intelligent, wise, and gifted woman and that's the goal I'm working towards.