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Old 06-12-2012, 06:25 AM
greenchild90 greenchild90 is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 8
Unhappy Conflicting emotions...

I just joined this forum because I don't know where else to go for advice... I know in my heart that what I'm doing right now is being "the other woman", and in the worst way. I don't know what words I'm looking for...

The one I love is with my best friend. He claims to be polyamorous and she is monogamous. I've known her for several years. We met him at a party, at the same time, but I was oblivious to whatever advances he made, and meanwhile, they "clicked". Within a few days she was head-over-heels for him, and they were a couple. But I suppose he divulged to her that he had also been interested in me, that he was polyamorous. And when she told me how wonderful he was, & I expressed excitement & some envy (after she told me how he had been going after me), she all-of-a-sudden threw us together & pretty much said, "Here! She hasn't had sex in a while! Make her happy! I don't care, just don't tell me about it." We were both apprehensive, not sure if this was some kind of test, not sure about each other. But we ended up (awkwardly) taking the opportunity, and it went okay. But from then on, he was hooked. And then one night we went to a club, got drunk, & when we were on our way home (with a DD) she suggested that we have a threesome. Both of us were blown away, but she was adamant about it, so... that's what we did. And man, was it weird. And apparently watching him have sex with me really messed with her head. In fact, she was doing all of this to make HIM happy, and & inside she was NOT okay with it, which was an awful thing to do & confusing for both of us. And it's like she held these decisions of hers over our heads from then on. But more and more he showed affection for me, when she wasn't around (because she had said before, "I don't care what you do as long as I don't see it," but of course she DID care). And he was in love with me. And as he has told me, everyone he has connected with emotionally or physically, he still loves, and each person has 100% of his heart. That's why he considers himself polyamorous. But my friend doesn't understand this, as she has claimed him as her own, and any betrayal on his part is taking part of him away from her claim.
But as time went on, and the more we talked, the more I began to love him, too. But I wouldn't tell myself that. If I said that I loved him, I would be confirming it, making it concrete, sealing our fate, & there would be no going back from those words without pain. I would be betraying my best friend, & I couldn't do that. But more and more he & I were expressing our affections in secret, and each of them were telling me negative things about the other. When they would argue, they would talk to me separately & vent, and I would listen, & try to help one see the other's point of view, without explicitly letting them know that the other had said anything to me. But after a while, my friend stopped venting to me about him. She didn't call me as much. We didn't hang out as often. And he noticed. He told me he thought she was getting more jealous, more possessive, & that it was driving him crazy. He thought she was clingy (he still does).
And now this has all devolved into full-blown cheating. My friend left for a week, and it got worse. We've been to each others' places. We've had sex a few times. We get together & cuddle, watching movies. It's like we're dating. But he's not "mine". And it kills me to think of how hurt my friend would be. She'll be gone a lot more often, for longer periods of time, at a new job that requires her to drive around the country.
I don't know what I feel more: pain over betraying my friend, or my love for him. And now I've told him, in a weeping embrace, that I love him. And the emotion in his eyes when I finally said that... I knew it meant the world to him.
But now it's all gone to ruin. Our other friends are suspicious. They've been talking about me behind my back. He told me today... and I've never felt so awfully depressed in my life. Gut-wrenching despair.
They've noticed me being "all over him" (as they exaggerate), being cuddly, close. I didn't think I was being obvious at all, but they've seen through it. And now I'm bold-faced lying to them (at least one of them, over chat), playing innocent, saying that it's nothing beyond that. I'm trying to hard to not let this explode completely. But this means that I can't see him anymore. And I'll have to keep my distance if we ever hang out all together again. And it's that constant anxiety of "Am I too close to him right now?" That rips me up inside. Last time I tried that method it led me to self-destructive tendencies. And I don't ever want that again.

I've bared my soul in this thread. I've held nothing back. I have to get it out there. I don't know what words I'm looking for... just... something encouraging. Every other place I've tried this, they say, "You're horrible! You have to keep it in! You have to hide it! Suck it up!" and it just makes me feel so hopeless and desperate... Please help me....
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