Kiss to LR.
Well, we seem to be getting into a familiar routine. It goes something like this; I live in the moment, feel like everything is normal, get about my own life and recognise my autonomy as I did before. Then time passes and I wonder what's going on and catch a bit of traction that makes the tires of my mind spin out.
PN calls it rumination, like chewing on something. To me its like a car spinning out. I find something that I can not let go of so I go to Mono, ask him about it (already agitated), he gives me an answer that leads me to realise where I have been blind or kept in the dark and I lash out with accusations and judgement. He gets angry and closes down and I storm away. After a time I humbly go back, head lowered and feeling sheepish and vulnerable and apologise, looking for affirmation and reassurance and loving acceptance of who I am.
I feel like a child. He comes off as cold in his hurt and resentment of my attitude and I feel further from him. Somehow, if I badger him, we get to a place where I get my need for closeness met. Usually its bitter sweet though, because I feel like whiney child looking for attention.
Last night I asked him what she had texted today. He told me her husband was asking why he hadn't texted and she had said she misses his texts. I snapped and said something along the lines of his not ever being present for the last months because he had spent his time texting her and he just looked sad and resentful. We managed to get to a place where I would use better communication skills (come on RP, you know this stuff!) and tell him that I "feel" as if he wasn't present with me at a time when we were together because he was texting her. He agreed to be patient and ask me to rephrase what I say to reflect feelings.
Last night was a bit of a turning point for me. Because Mono is set on me having my freedom however I want it, he comes across as backing away at a time when I need reassurance and his attention. This on top of the scenario I mentioned above adds insult to injury and I feel further from him. It makes me feel like I am not his priority when he acts like that, so for me to ask him to make me a priority over her seems hopeless and opposite of what he really wants.
He also needs his space in order to figure stuff out... adding more distance at a time when I feel very vulnerable, like I am fucking up my communication and am coming across as overly emotional to a bunch of people who don't seem as invested in communicating or showing their emotions (military?).
If I were in her position I would back away and suggest he deal with his home life and that a friendship can be worked on later. As far as I know she doesn't know the implications of her presence in my life and so carries on as if there is nothing going on. When he doesn't text as much I wonder if she wonders if its because he's done with her, or because she is causing a rift or because he used her at a time he was struggling (the latter is what Mono thinks is happening). In any case, she would likely discover that she is having an effect more than he is letting on. I would think that she would be concerned about that. To me it seems as if I am not his priority and that losing her friendship over rides his priority to me. Its more important he present as if all is well than letting on that things are rough right now. I don't know if its true, but its part of the tred mill I get on. Part of the "spinning out."
All of this keeps us from being close and from moving forward. Not to mention I feel really rushed to "get over it" as she is leaving this weekend for three months. I am rushing myself. I feel his resentment that this is happening and I am trying to wrap it up for him so he can be with her before she goes.
He says its gotten way out of control and that its been made a bigger deal than it needed to be, and that on one hand makes me think I should take it all less seriously. It also makes me think that maybe I should of been left in the dark until he got over her. On the other hand he might not of and might of cheated again as much as he did on his wife. More spinning