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Old 06-12-2012, 04:30 AM
LotusesandRoses's Avatar
LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 110

Originally Posted by PolyMister View Post
I don't believe that I was preachy. I did not tell her she had to be like me, or that she would be better off like me. I didn't say that monogamist viewpoints were invalid. What I said was that I (MYSELF, not that all people should) find monogamy would be like considering myself to be someone's property and it's not something that I would like.

I never once said she was dumb, or stupid or anything cruel for what she thought about it. She did however tell me that what I feel, and what many of you share with me was "wrong". She didn't say "jeez, you're weird" she said that it was wrong, as in unethical, as in it shouldn't exist.

And no, LotusesandRoses, I even said in the conversation with her if you'd read it over again that, and I quote, "All I was looking for was to be accepted for what I was. I wasn't saying you had to be like it to... But you told me that I had to be like you..." and at no point did I push the idea on her that she should be polyamorous, she did however say plenty of things that sounded to me, an awful lot like she was telling me that I shouldn't be what I am.


I would have been happy to apologize to "S" for what was said, and to try and work things out, but I logged into Skype a few moments ago to find that she had deleted me and now I am unable to talk to her about it.
I'm telling you how I would have felt had you said that to me. It was talking down to her, and that she was ignorant. She thinks what you're doing is wrong. To me, that isn't worth losing a friendship over, trying to "prove" to her it's not "wrong." My pointi is this: I don't think she's mad about your polyamory. She may not like it, but it's how you said it. It doesn't mean she agrees with it, but how you say it makes a world of difference.

After all, you didn't like how I said, but not necessarily my message that you didn't handle things the best way. And if you care about the friendship, you'll call, drop by and see her, or message her on FB and apologize and not let a Skype deletion ruin things. Don't explain. Just a brief, "I'm sorry, and I hope my dating situation doesn't ruin our friendship." Short and sweet, because I guarantee she feels a lot of those negative things I mention are true, that you feel she's dumb and her beliefs are ridiculous. (And you can feel that way, but you shouldn't make friends feel that way if you can help it.)

If I've made you feel picked on, I'm sorry. I'm not coming to you saying this as a heteronormative, monogamous Betty Crocker Pamela gal or a closeted person. While we all need acceptance, you don't gain it from hesitant people by bombarding them. (Hey, you didn't adore me for what I said.)

My intention was not to hurt feelings or say it's wrong to be yourself. You don't have to explain why you're poly or why it's acceptable that you're poly to a single soul. I feel monogamy is often oppressive to women, but knowing that's a wildly unpopular opinion, even with friends I like a lot, I keep my mouth shut, because I'm probably not going to convince my beloved Baptist friend who believes in the monogamy model like I believe in gravity.

The best friends are the ones who accept you and love you as is, and you don't need to sell them on being okay with you, because it's not about the labels. It's about the person underneath that. And when you're okay with yourself, you don't need to back up who you are with windy arguments, whether it's polyamory (the Romans did it), interracial relationships (in terms of genetics, we're predisposed to be attracted to opposite features for the sake of the health of offspring), or why you really have to keep those dreadful summer colors out of your wardrobe (just makes olive skin look sallow).

From the transcripts, I don't think you lost a friend because you came out. You had a fight because you came out. And I hope no matter the result, you've learned. In my heart of hearts, I doubt your friendship is over, and I'd bet good money she's mad at what you said, not how you said it - And if I had a nickel for every time someone was mad about how I said something, I'd have a million. Look at some of my posts on here, including this one. So you can definitely trust my advice regarding putting one's foot in the ol' mouth.
“Edit yourself, bitch. Edit yourself.” – Chad Michaels
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