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Old 06-12-2012, 02:22 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
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Originally Posted by Xared View Post
When I tried to talk to others about it, they would deny any abuse was going on and I was promptly told to "stop being a whiny little bitch." As a result, I have few people I trust as well. My statement abut people not realizing it's going on is from reflection on past experiences.
You know exactly what it's like, then. Okay. I hate that I can run into someone on a forum who does, but at least we're both out. That's important. And because I know men can be hit with it, too, I am trying to keep gender as neutral as possible. I knew a woman who did this to a male friend of mine, except that all of our friends put up with it. I didn't. Me against the silence of the entire community--sod it, they could untangle him. I was done.

I'm actually in the process of becoming a professional. Well, relationship counseling/sex therapy, but this issue will come up.
Inevitably, yes. I'm looking to enter social work, so... ditto.

And yes, I do realize that taking a few psychology classes does not make me an expert. As for my approach, it depends on the situation. I usually start by pointing out the abuser's behavior and asking how the victim feels about it. From there, it can go any number of ways. If it's not something I can handle myself, I refer them to Turning Point or a similar organization.
Actually, if the victim won't or can't approach a licensed professional, a friend who gets it is a good beginning. As long as we know when we're in over our heads!

Unfortunately, they live together, and he has "no where else to go."
Under the nearest on-ramp is just fine for vermin like that. I am biased, yes.

Eventually, I said "Yeah, kicking him out is going to be difficult, but it'll be short, and then over. If you don't do it, you'll be miserable indefinitely. which seems like the better option to you?" Surprisingly, that got through to her. A few days later she went through with it, and she's been happier since. That was the easiest that particular situation has ever been, and it took several months.
All about finding the key, isn't it? I'm glad you could. I'm glad she could, too.

I guess my other qualm about sleeping with victims of abuse is this: they often needs to find themselves again after a long codependent period. I remember not having much of an identity except "angry, ambitious eighth-grader." It got me a trip to D.C. and a fair few accolades in my school's music program, but not much else. Only after years of therapy and finding out who I was underneath all that baggage was I a suitable partner to anyone. Speaking as a woman who went through such major breaches of trust, I had no idea what constituted healthy boundaries. (Complicating matters further, my parents weren't exactly demonstrating good relationship skills...) So at the very least, between abuse and new relationship, put "therapy"!

This I now trust you to know, but for the benefit of completing the conversation, I want to put it out there.
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

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