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Old 06-12-2012, 01:26 AM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Detroit
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Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
I did. And my situation (admittedly not a relationship) could so easily have been rectified, had anyone believed it was as simple as removing me from the proximity of my abuser. All that mindset accomplished was me withdrawing my trust from all but about three people in my life. When in doubt? Please ask whether the victim understands what's going on, instead of assuming.
From the way that's worded, I take it you're out of the situation. I'm glad to hear that, and I know exactly what you're talking about; I've lived it. My father was extremely psychologically abusive, and my first girlfriend was emotionally abusive and later became physically abusive. When I tried to talk to others about it, they would deny any abuse was going on and I was promptly told to "stop being a whiny little bitch." As a result, I have few people I trust as well. My statement abut people not realizing it's going on is from reflection on past experiences. I don't make assumptions beforehand.

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl View Post
Which is why you work with professionals on this. I didn't say "march up to the abuser and have a great big pissing contest about who gets the victim". Stupid about these things I ain't. What has your approach been so far on helping people out of abusive situations?
I'm actually in the process of becoming a professional. Well, relationship counseling/sex therapy, but this issue will come up. And yes, I do realize that taking a few psychology classes does not make me an expert. As for my approach, it depends on the situation. I usually start by pointing out the abuser's behavior and asking how the victim feels about it. From there, it can go any number of ways. If it's not something I can handle myself, I refer them to Turning Point or a similar organization.

The situation that I've run into most often, and the most difficult I've found to deal with, is a female victim and a passive-aggressive emotionally abusive male. At the very least she realizes she's being treated poorly, even if she won't acknowledge abusive behavior, and she wants out of the relationship. Unfortunately, they live together, and he has "no where else to go." Whenever she tries to end things, he breaks down into tears and tries to make her feel bad about it. Once or twice, the guy has threatened suicide if she left him.

A few years ago, a co-worker of mine was in one of these situations. She wanted him out, but was afraid she'd fail and things would get worse. She made a few different arrangements if things got bad and she needed to leave, but was hesitant to do anything more permanent. Eventually, I said "Yeah, kicking him out is going to be difficult, but it'll be short, and then over. If you don't do it, you'll be miserable indefinitely. which seems like the better option to you?" Surprisingly, that got through to her. A few days later she went through with it, and she's been happier since. That was the easiest that particular situation has ever been, and it took several months.

Anyway, my point was I have no tolerance or respect for abusers and therefore don't see cheating on them as a betrayal of trust, not that it was a good idea. In fact, I recall describing doing so as "definitely stupid."
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