Originally Posted by Tonberry
Are you assuming the poly people you meet aren't interested in more primary relationships because they already have one (or more), or is it something they stated themselves?
Or does it come from you? That is, do you specifically not want a primary relationship with someone if they already have a primary relationship with someone else?
Aside from that point, primary relationships require more investment and I can see them being more difficult. They're also about commitment, and not everyone wants to commit right away. Lots of primary relationships, poly or mono, didn't start that way, but evolved to that point.
It's more that my friend and I are finding that single monogamous people don't seem to be interested in us, and we aren't meeting polyamorous people who don't already have a legal spouse in the house. The polies all seem to be married and the monos all seem to be extremely picky and ruling us out.
Plenty of people seem willing to date us as a secondary partner. In my own case I think that lesbian relationships can be especially hard because in straight relationships, there is some social expectation that the woman may be able to "fall back" upon the man financially or may be able to "marry up". This may not be realistic, but it still affects how a lot of people think. Plus there are the legal benefits of legal marriage that don't exist in gay relationships. So a lesbian woman, in order to not marry a man, has to be very self sufficient financially. at the moment, I don't seem to be "material" for most women becaus I don't have my financial house in order right now (went totally broke, was out of work for a while, now back in college at 38 and living at home). Likewise, there seem to be women I would date but not commit to as a primary partner or live with and that seems to be what is "in my league".
My friend and I are half joking about being platonic life partners of EACH OTHER (I'm gay, she's straight, we would basically be a "Boston marriage, and we would date/sleep with other people) just to get that "shared life" thing. We have been unable to find people who actually take us seriously as committed monogamous or primary relationship material. I really look forward to the day when I can expect to spend the holidays with the same person for five years and just have the comfort, stability, and certainty that my mother enjoys with her husband of 20 years. Being without a primary partner feels like living on the edge. I want the married lifestyle. I am sick to death of roommates, it's like this perpetual merry go round of finding crazy people to live with and neither person really wants to be there under better circumstances! The lifestyle feels so precarious. I will be moving out and in with a roommate within the next year. I live in an area with a high cost of living and have had to have roommates even when I made decent money. It feels very unstable, like you never know when someone is going to move out or you will need to move and then you are taking a chance with the next person. If I have to split expenses with someone to afford to live anywhere, then I would rather it be someone with whom there is an actual life commitment to each other's happiness and well being.
I have been really severely depressed lately over the thought that if I stay single, I will still be living with roommates ten years from now (at 48). think I wouldn't mind dating this one woman I am interested in (bi poly, married) but I'll still want to find someone who wants to live with me and share a life with me.