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Old 06-11-2012, 08:35 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by Quietfever View Post
Is there such a thing as not being "primary material" that is similar to not being "monogamous life partner" material?
In general, meeting somebody you want to live with/spend the rest of your life with, is just really hard for most people, irrelevant to poly or mono. Is it similar? Well kind of but - not really? An example I can use is my boyfriend, Brian. I love him, we've been dating for 15 months and I can't think of a reason that we would stop dating, though it's not impossible. I enjoy the time I spend with him, but for me he is not "primary material" because I think there are incompatibilities that would keep it from working out. Might he be a life partner? Yes. Monogamous life partner? No. Primary material? Probably not.

(This example is just for illustration, Brian is already married, I am married, my husband and I don't plan to cohabitate with any other partners - not impossible, just unlikely.)

I think a lot of poly people who are already involved in one (including me) aren't closed to a second primary connection, relationships develop however they're going to develop. Since I am not looking for a 24/7 partner, YES I find that I can date people who have one or two big issues that would keep me from wanting be with them 24/7 (ie messy and don't clean their toilet, reckless with their money, hates cats, has children).

Not sure if any of this answers what you are asking - if you date two people as a secondary, of course that will fill lots of needs for socialization, affection, fun etc. One good thing about being poly is you can form solid bonds with people and when that disney fairy tale "soul mate" comes along, you get to keep old connections. Not sure if you are interested in poly as a permanent choice or as an interim to keep you busy until "soul mate/primary" comes along. It really depends on your desires and needs. A lot of people lament being a secondary when what they want is to come home to somebody every night. A lot of people embrace being more independent, and are glad to feel free to run their own life. It can take trial and error to figure that out if you don't have a clear grasp on it yet.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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